When you see calm parents in the yard, and a quiet baby next to them, the first thing that comes to mind is how lucky they are that the child is so obedient. Meanwhile, there is nothing to envy here.
Yes, parents of a shy child can relax during a walk. Their child will not get into trouble, he will not be offended. And the baby himself doesn’t seem to express a desire to leave his cozy care: his peers invited him to play, but he didn’t go.
In fact, the child does not go to the children not because he is so interested in his parents: this is not so. He would really like to run races with other children and play with them in the sandbox. But shyness prevents you from starting communication. What to do if a child is shy? Let's figure it out.
Modesty: a positive or negative trait?
A little shyness is inherent in everyone. This is a tool for a child’s adaptation and socialization to a new event, which works both at 4 years old and at 14.
Even an adult, when in an unfamiliar environment, experiences slight shyness. What can we say about kids?
Natural shyness gives the individual time to assess the situation and form his attitude towards it.
Remember how at first children can be very shy when they meet each other. But then half an hour passes - and they are already excitedly communicating, keeping secrets and coming up with the most exciting games.
Modest children evoke sympathy. They do not behave provocatively in society, they are well-mannered and friendly, ready to help. The modest girl is especially charming; she arouses everyone's approval.
On the other hand, an overly shy child is unable to overcome his fear of communicating with people. He is afraid to make new friends, cannot relax in games, or communicate normally.
This applies not only to new situations, but also to everyday communication. In a preschool-age child, isolation manifests itself in a reluctance to attend kindergarten. Sometimes a child who is hysterical must literally be torn from his leg in order to be handed over to a teacher.
Over time, children's shyness intensifies if it is not paid attention to. The child withdraws into himself and finds it increasingly difficult to make contact.
Having matured, he will perceive communication with the opposite sex as a burden, and not as pleasure. Excessive shyness makes people invisible and unsuccessful.
Let's talk about the advantages of shyness.
- Selectivity in friendship. Such a child will choose his friends extremely carefully and for a long time. He can't trust everyone. On the contrary, he will show caution at the right time.
- Observation. A shy baby has difficulty communicating and avoids noisy companies and active games. Usually he stands on the sidelines and quietly watches his peers.
- Self-education and self-development. Often, an uncommunicative, shy child replaces communication with friends with books and studies. As a rule, they do well at school and at university.
- They don't make harsh decisions. If a shy child has a problem or difficulty, then they approach the solution with all seriousness and thoroughness. In the end, they make the best decision.
How shyness affects a child
It is noted that the greatest manifestation of isolation is observed in children of preschool age. At the 5th year of life, they need respectful treatment from adults and peers.
In a preschool institution, the baby is left without the comfortable care of his parents. He must communicate with teachers and children himself, participate in competitions, and respond in class.
Faced with the need for independent action, a timid child withdraws into himself, which manifests itself in:
- Embarrassment, desire to avoid communication : the baby blushes, turns pale, avoids eye contact, looks for a place where he can be alone;
- Low performance, including at school: lack of self-confidence leads to the fact that the child refuses to answer in class, even if he has an excellent command of the material;
- The desire to become invisible: the child wants to disappear into the crowd, afraid to show feelings and thereby attract attention.
Shy children have increased sensitivity and anxiety, which manifests itself in the fear of sleeping with the lights off or alone. Emotional stress finds a way out in creativity, reading, and the virtual world, where the child is free from evaluation of himself by strangers.
Lack of communication leads to an impairment in the ability to express thoughts in words. Uncommunicative children have a poor vocabulary, and anxiety can cause stuttering and other speech defects.
They say that shy children have low self-esteem. This is not always true, quite the contrary. Very often a child considers himself good, better than others, but it seems to him that others underestimate him and treat him worse than he deserves.
Greater dependence on outside opinions about oneself causes the child to experience stress at every contact with others. The child is more concerned about how others will react to his actions or words than the content of the lessons.
The constant question: “What will others think of me?” interrupts the desire to learn new things and enjoy the process itself.
Games and exercises to overcome childhood shyness
There are many games and exercises that can help your child get rid of shyness.
- Exercise “If I were braver” - take turns with your child to make arguments in favor of courage and self-confidence by simulating various situations. Depending on the simulated situations, the exercise can be used for both primary schoolchildren and teenagers.
- Game “Live Illustration” (for children 5–12 years old) - the parent reads a poem (story, fairy tale), inviting the child to illustrate the emotions he hears with facial expressions and gestures. The poems of Agnia Barto, filled with childhood experiences and subtle humor, are best suited for such a game.
- Exercise “Who has more arguments” (5–12 years old) - participants in the game choose a statement (for example, “reading is useful because ...”) and take turns giving arguments for its correctness. It is best to choose life situations for such an exercise and play together.
What causes shyness?
With age, the child becomes more aware of shyness. Unsuccessful attempts to control it lead to doubt in one’s own abilities. The teenager seems stupid, helpless, unworthy of anything good.
Thus, self-doubt is not the cause of childhood shyness, but the result of fear of communication.
A baby can become timid for other reasons:
- Excessive demands placed on the baby. When a child is often criticized for mistakes, an untidy room, bad behavior; when they forbid something “because I said so” or punish without bothering to explain the reason for the displeasure and tell them what the right thing should have been done, then the child would rather prefer to do nothing so as not to anger the adult. He is simply afraid of causing disapproval.
- Dysfunctional family situation. If a child experiences frequent assaults, shouting and insults at home, he will be afraid to make contact, believing that such relationships are the norm for everyone and trying to rid himself of what is unpleasant for him. He may become tense or, conversely, pugnacious. Aggression is also a way to isolate yourself from communication with others. An aggressive kid is not bad: he is just afraid that he will be offended.
- Home education. When a child is often sick or is even homeschooled, his contacts with peers are sharply reduced. Lack of experience in building relationships with people leads to isolation.
- Overly caring parents. This is a case where good intentions do more harm than good. Constantly accompanying the child, prohibiting him from leaving the zone of visual control, deliberate and frequent criticism of other children in the presence of his child, as well as imposing his opinion make him an infantile person.
How does shyness appear?
When a child is born, he is under the control of adults from the first seconds of life. It is parents who form the basic attitudes, character traits, and values in their child. Sometimes it happens that parents strive for their unquestioning leadership and thereby they strike the first shoots of shyness and self-doubt. Also, such factors may be the child’s character traits, excessive control, or complete inattention and lack of support, parental divorce, criticism and ridicule.
How to help your child relax
If a child is shy in kindergarten, Dr. Komarovsky recommends establishing communication with children from the group outside the preschool. This way, the baby’s adaptation will be more painless. Knowing that Dima and Nastya also go to kindergarten, the baby will follow their example.
In addition, when he goes to the group in the morning, he will know that he will meet friends there.
Sometimes adults don’t know how to liberate a child.
Psychologists give the following recommendations to parents of withdrawn children:
- Let your baby feel important , and for this, entrust the baby with simple tasks. For example, in a store, ask to put food out of the basket; at home, ask to bring the necessary item.
- Consult with your child. By participating in the discussion of issues, the baby feels like an adult. In addition to realizing his own value, he acquires the skill of expressing thoughts out loud, as well as defending his opinion.
- Get outside more often. Having gotten used to being in society, the baby will perceive it as an integral part of life. You shouldn’t demand that your baby necessarily participate in children’s games: it’s enough that he observes how the kids behave in different situations. Seeing that the kids are having fun, he will also eventually want to join them.
- Invite children to visit: houses and walls help. If you are wondering how to teach your child not to be shy, make him the master of the situation. Receiving peers on his territory, showing his favorite toys, the baby feels confident.
- Encourage the expression of emotions. Shy children often hold back their feelings. The parents' job is to give them a way out. Sometimes just making a face is enough for the baby to burst into happy laughter. Show your child that showing emotions is okay. The game “Crocodile” helps a lot, where you need to guess by facial expressions what the participant is trying to show.
Shy child: recommendations for parents
A child will definitely not be able to cope with his problem alone, which can lead to even more trouble in the future. If a child is shy, what should parents do?
Help your child learn to show emotions
Timid children keep their emotions to themselves. It is important to regularly create conditions for the child that will help him relax.
Even the little ones can be invited to make faces together. It will be a lot of fun, and most importantly, the child will relax and retain this feeling for some time.
With older children it is worth playing games where a certain word needs to be conveyed using gestures and facial expressions. Most likely, the child will not immediately want to join the game, so first show the words yourself, and he will guess. After some time, he himself will decide to wish for something.
Don't skimp on praise
Support your child verbally: “You can do anything!” “You’re doing great!” "I am so proud of you!". This should be done as often as possible. Sincere support will make the child believe in himself.
Demonstrate its importance. Find out your child's opinion on any issue. Whether it's choosing clothes, gifts for grandparents or household shopping. The child must feel that his opinion is significant and is taken into account. This is how children's self-esteem will grow.
Let your child understand that adults also make mistakes and there is nothing catastrophic about it.
The authority of parents is very significant for every child. Understanding that adults also have mistakes, the child will become easier to relate to his failures. Inspire him that he should not dwell on mistakes, but should try to correct them.
Don't let your child be influenced by a bossy friend
It often happens that shy children are chosen as friends by children with pronounced leadership qualities. If you notice that a new friend is bossing your child around, but he obeys him in everything, try to gently and delicately limit their communication.
Train through play
Trying on different social roles, kids will be able to try themselves in almost any role without fear. This way you can practice using polite words, rehearse the dating process or rules of good manners.
Assign some simple task that the child can complete independently. You can try the most basic ones: hand an item to an adult, collect the necessary products in a basket, give money for purchases at the checkout. And be sure to praise him for it.
Be sure to visit crowded places
The more a child is in crowded places, the easier it is for him to get used to being in society. Using the example of other children, he learns to communicate, get acquainted, and make contact with others. At the same time, you shouldn’t force him to play with other children; let him just watch. After some time, he may become interested in the game process, and then he himself will try to join.
How to help a shy student
Shyness often becomes the reason for poor performance at school, as the child is afraid to answer in class in front of the whole class.
A psychologist's advice to parents of timid children: don't push.
Phrases like “Tomorrow you will go to the board and answer!” or “What will you become if you can’t even raise your hand?” won't help.
Criticism is welcomed only in a positive way. If you notice that your child is timid at school, try to help him. A gentle proposal to involve the class teacher with the consent of the student will do.
For example, you can say this: “Let me talk to your teacher, and we will all try to find a way out together.”
It is important to give the child confidence that parents and teachers are his allies. A good solution would be for the teacher to give the student written assignments instead of oral ones. If an oral response is necessary, the student can give it not in front of the whole class, but separately, for example, during recess, when classmates went into the corridor.
When do you need professional help?
If a student cannot get rid of shyness on his own, and it becomes especially debilitating, it is necessary to seek professional help. Psychological consultations, relaxation programs, stress management and trainings on the topic “How to overcome a child’s shyness” will be useful for shy children.
Special training “I am confident” was also developed by the Rostum Academy. It is carried out using effective methods (testing, role-playing games, group discussions) and is aimed at overcoming various manifestations of uncertainty, shyness and self-consciousness. Also, the Rostum Academy offers courses to prepare children for school and has developed a number of useful training programs for young students.
Now you know how to overcome your child's shyness, and you can develop a strategy to develop communication skills and overcome his self-doubt. As soon as your child gets rid of painful shyness, a whole world of bright colors and impressions will open up for him, he will study better, and in the future he will become a successful person! Believe in him and help him become more confident and brave.
Recommendations from psychologists
Many parents believe that a shy child is a good thing. On the one hand, yes, they may not worry that the baby will get into a problematic situation, he is afraid of everything. But a deeper form of shyness can become embedded in a person’s brain and thinking, preventing him from developing, and becoming a serious obstacle in later adult life. Parents should pay attention to this in time and instill confidence in their children. If an old friend of yours comes up to you and asks your child something, and he hides behind you out of fear, don’t rush him. Chat with the woman, smile, show that you are friendly towards this person and he will not cause harm. Only when the baby leaves fear and a feeling of inferiority, and he gains at least a little trust in a new acquaintance, will he be able to talk to him or at least not hide behind his mother’s back.
What parents should not do when raising a shy child.
- You cannot be too demanding, strict, or firm towards your baby. This attitude influences the development of personality and character. Complexes appear and self-esteem is lowered. Children learn from their mistakes, you need to understand them and sometimes make concessions, be softer.
- There is no need to take great care of the child, isolate him from a harmful society, or solve all the problems for him. There is a risk of developing an incorrect worldview and shyness, along with isolation, will carry with it into adulthood.
- You cannot force a child to do something he does not want. He is already a formed personality, an individual with his own desires and requirements. Let him become a little independent, let the young sprout grow stronger. Don't scold him for being shy, don't shame him in front of everyone. This will not solve the problem, but will only make it worse.
- Do not compare your baby with other children in a bad way. This lowers his self-esteem, aggravates his shyness, and his self-confidence noticeably drops. Ordinary shyness develops into habitual shyness, and this becomes a persistent character trait that cannot be changed.
Is it good to be a timid coward?
Really, why does this happen: one person literally “on click” loudly reads poetry on a stool for a huge adult audience, enjoying thunderous applause, and when meeting another it is so difficult to extract the usual “Hello!”? Why is it that one of his peers is the life of the party and the organizer of active entertainment, while the other silently and alone in a corner collects construction sets or draws with pencils?
Scientific facts! Psychologists say that under the age of 7 years, about 40-42% are shy!
Is it good or bad to be shy? If we go back to the old Soviet times with a long-forgotten pioneer-Komsomol-party upbringing, shyness was one of the “communist breed standards”, such a person was a role model, and all deviations from the norm were actively brought before the party jury.
Now psychologists say that excessive shyness interferes with the full development of a child as an individual. Why?
- Shy children in the company of people unfamiliar to them, in conditions of sudden fear and uncertainty, are ready to sink into the ground, as long as they are not touched or addressed.
- Problems begin at the sandbox age, when the baby is afraid to approach other children to participate in a game or ask for a toy. They experience a tense state due to excessive attention to their person in kindergarten, when they have to participate in matinees and read, sing, and dance in public. They bring their shyness to school, usually becoming invisible and outcasts: according to the list, they seem to be there, but in life they don’t seem to be there.
- Sharply noticing their shortcomings, they skillfully create unnecessary, often imaginary, complexes for themselves, hiding their existing advantages under a layer of uncertainty, considering themselves worse than their peers.
And this does not mean that such children do not want to communicate, and loneliness is their favorite state. On the contrary, in their childish soul they have a great desire to communicate, but they are afraid of it like fire: what if something is wrong and they won’t be friends with me?
By nature, shy children are very friendly, but it is difficult to push them to make contact, which is why they are known among their classmates as either arrogant nerds or cowardly quiet people.
The peculiarity of shyness is that it is not a short-term state, such as embarrassment or embarrassment as a result of increased attention or praise. This is a constant trait, with which even adults are capable of becoming crimson-embarrassed simply when alone with themselves. You should not leave such a companion in life.
As psychologists say, although this is not a disease, it is still an uncomfortable mental state that can and should be fought, and the sooner parents do this, the better it will be for the child, because shyness can develop into deep withdrawal.
Parenting Basics for Parents of Shy Kids
Any parent can add confidence. Only relatives know the true nature of their child’s personality, can find an approach to him and instill faith in himself. There are several ways to do this.
- Problem situation method. You create an artificial communicative situation and ask the child to tell you what he will do in this case. Let the child offer his options first, and then you offer yours. Together, choose whose option will be better and play out the dialogue in which the baby must have the main role. This will give you confidence, your experience and communication skills will develop, and your fears will subside.
- Go out to the playground and try to make friends with other children. If the child is afraid on his own, help him, tell him how best to do it. You are his support, he trusts you. Give him time if he is immediately afraid to do it. He will observe for himself, understand that other children are safe and will not cause harm, and he will approach them. You will make friends with whom the baby can communicate and go for walks together.
- Kindergarten is the first society a child enters. The main thing is that he feels comfortable there in a group or class. Communication with peers will help overcome psychological barriers, shyness, and develop speech.
- Spend more time with your baby, play noisy, fun, active games, go to the zoo, an amusement park where there are a lot of children, to trampolines - let him throw out his own emotions.
- Act out plays at home, scenes from your favorite cartoons and fairy tales - let him be himself and not be embarrassed about it.
- If nothing helps, the baby continues to suffer - seek help from a child psychologist. He will help you find the source of problems and overcome them.
Shyness in children is an absolutely normal psychological phenomenon. For parents, the main thing is to take care of their child. Develop his capabilities, talents, teach him to be creative. A healthy attitude towards the situation of parents will help to quietly solve all problems.
