A mother is the main person for a child, but not all mothers are equally useful, psychologists say. They talk about different types of maternal behavior that interfere with the full development of the child - so that mothers can think, work on themselves and let more happiness and freedom into their and their children's lives. We have already talked about an authoritarian and overprotective mother, now let’s look at a distant, cold mother.
The child had a bad day
Each of us has days when we want to hide from everyone in the world. Kids are no exception to the rule. It may seem to adults that children get upset over mere trifles. But failures and disappointments lead to the fact that for some time the baby does not want to communicate with anyone. Perhaps today he did not wait in line for his favorite swing in the park, or the kindergarten teacher reprimanded him. But in any case, the baby does not want you to kiss or hug him at the moment.
Solution.
Respect the child's wishes and give him the opportunity to be alone with himself. At the same time, he should know that you are always ready to support him. He may need your help after he has dealt with his emotions on his own.
Indifferent mother. Exterior view
Probably, this type of maternal behavior has received the most terrible bouquet of names from experts: absent, distant, cold mother, ghost mother and even “dead mother” - a chill on the skin. For many years, such a mother was called “schizophrenogenic” and it was believed that she contributed to the development of schizophrenia in the child (later, most psychologists moved away from this theory). Let's say right away: the absence of the mother in moderate doses is necessary , without this the child will also not receive healthy development. A mother hen always hovering over the baby is another evil extreme. But a cold mother has consistently “switched off” emotional contact with her child, and this is her main feature. And this trait is more characteristic of the generation of our mothers and grandmothers. We and our children are luckier - cold mothers are becoming less and less common today.
A detached or “dead” mother, of course, is alive and most often healthy, she can take very good care of the child, “simply” her emotional connection with the child is broken, she is burdened by the child, does not know how to communicate with him and how to be close to him. him . Therefore, the child does not have the opportunity to establish an emotional connection with his mother, nourish himself and gain the supply of mental strength necessary for further relationships with people.
French psychoanalysts give a vivid image of a healthy mother: she seduces the child into life with her love. Only after being imbued with her love can a child let go of his mother and turn his love and desires to other people. But a distant mother does not give her child such a resource.
A cold mother does not give her child love, warmth and affection. Sometimes it looks respectable and aristocratic, sometimes it is a truly normal background for a family of phlegmatic people in the spirit of the Svantesons from “The Kid and Carlson,” in whom love is expressed with restraint, but everyone is confident in each other. In addition, not all girls and boys need to show strong emotions towards them! There are calm and thoughtful children who do not tolerate someone else's fountain of feelings well. However, if the mother fulfills only the physiological needs of the child and deprives him of emotions, then most often this complicates his development.
A distant mother can control her child’s emotions quite tightly and thereby prevent a close connection with him. Her child will be very “comfortable” and “well-mannered”; he will not allow himself to run wild with emotions, will not be capricious, have fun from the heart or fall into a romantic mood.
A cold mother may be physically absent from the child’s life : touch him little (usually by necessity - bathing, dressing), no hugs, joint wallowing and pampering. She can send the child to a nanny or kindergarten early, involve grandmothers in raising them, and transfer care of the child to other relatives. He can devote a lot of time to work, go on business trips, and arrange his personal life separately from the child.
Not understanding or not wanting to understand her child’s emotions, a cold mother will overshadow his own “I” with her demands . She will feed him when he is tired, she will put him to bed when he wants to talk, she will choose clothes, toys and activities for him, without particularly taking his wishes into account.
A distant mother will leave the child without support when he needs it : he will leave the baby alone to “cry out”, will not console or encourage the baby during failures on the playground or in kindergarten, will not admire drawings and crafts, will not help a schoolchild with homework or conflicts in the classroom. On the one hand, it may seem that the mother is trying to teach the child independence, but on the other hand, the child of such a mother gradually ceases to expect support and loses the ability to trust and open up to anyone.
A cold mother can make demands on the child that he most likely cannot cope with , and then the mother will distance herself from him “with a clear conscience.” Whether the child got his shoes wet, got into a fight at school or, on the contrary, was unable to fight back against the offender, indulged too much or, conversely, was too lethargic, the mother will find a reason to be “upset” and deny the child her closeness and warmth. And she can even hide her coldness behind a mask of care: she tries to raise the child and in her own way shows him what not to do. A cold mother may behave in such a way that children cannot share anything with her, for fear of upsetting her, angering her, or running into a stream of moralizing.
Any mother at a certain stage of her life may experience difficulties and distance herself from her child. Psychologists have long been urging not to make a tragedy out of this and even remind each other that the accusation of “bad parenting style” is a dubious thing. Because crowds of insecure parents then shoulder a feeling of guilt, become more anxious, and this immediately affects their behavior, and not in favor of the child. Therefore, if you are only cold with your baby at times, then the “emotionally cold mother” tag is not for you. But if you notice that the listed signs of a distant mother describe your constant behavior, there is reason to think.
He's recovering from a tantrum
The kid did something wrong and you put him in a “time out”? Or deprived him of his favorite toy for tonight? Don't be surprised if he now ignores you or pushes you away. There is a logical explanation for this: the little one is trying to show you that he is offended. Or perhaps he was just tired. If the baby defended his rights by screaming and rolling on the floor in hysterics, his strength dried up.
Solution.
Recognize that your child has a right to be upset. Think about your feelings after a quarrel with your husband or girlfriend. Surely you also need to wait some time before you make peace. In this, children are no different from adults.
Before leaving your child alone with his emotions, tell him that you understand him. For example: “I know why you don’t want to talk to me. You're mad that I didn't let you run around in the parking lot, right?" Let the little one know that you are looking forward to when he wants to hug you. Don't forget to add that you love your child no matter what. Even in moments when he doesn't listen.
Why does a child say that he does not love his mother?
As practice and the results of many surveys show, young mothers have assumptions and worries that the child does not love his mother. Indeed, a child under two years old loves and needs the constant attention of his mother and accepts her as she is. But as the child grows up, his behavior and attitude may change; the child says that he does not love his mother and demonstrates his attitude.
Firstly, the child begins to distinguish between people close to him, that is, grandparents, and takes his father more seriously. This happens because the child not only physically, but also psychologically matures and begins to understand the actions and actions of loved ones in relation to him. As a result, the child may indeed no longer chase his mother so much, and at the first prohibitions from the mother, show a negative attitude in the form of a whim and a complaint to a loved one - grandmother or father, the child may say that he does not love his mother, but this does not mean at all that the child really doesn't love you.
The kid is upset because of your behavior and doesn’t know how to talk about it yet
The emotional life of a child is very difficult: he tries to express his feelings, but is not yet able to do it correctly with the help of words. Let's consider two possible situations:
- you had to leave for some time and leave the baby with your husband. He may miss you a lot and at the same time be angry that you did this;
- a newborn appears in the family, with whom you spend more time. And your older child is very upset about this.
In all such cases, know that the baby is overwhelmed with feelings, but he does not yet know how to express them like an adult.
Solution.
If you suspect that your baby is behaving this way because of a lack of your attention, talk openly with him. Gently ask: “Are you upset because I didn’t play with you much today?” After that, listen to the little one without any comments and do not judge him.
Pay attention!
When a child is angry or upset, he may say some not very nice things to you. For example: “Mom, you are no good!” Do not take it to heart. The feelings of young children change very quickly. And one of the best ways to let your baby figure them out is to talk to mom.
How does the child feel?
A child of a cold mother is often called “neglected.” His family may have a decent income and occupy a good place in social rankings, but the child may lack warmth, love and emotional exchange with adults, and this results in feelings of helplessness, resentment and self-pity. In adulthood, this can manifest itself in isolation, addiction, hostility and mistrust; in relationships, such a person can fall into the position of a victim, he can completely avoid deep relationships.
Children who had an emotionally cold mother did not receive models of healthy emotional behavior that would help them understand and develop themselves. Of course, the world is huge - and a child can observe live emotions in grandparents, educators and teachers, and other significant adults. But a cold mother seems to lock the child’s emotional world. The child quickly learns to understand what he must do, what they want from him, he learns to behave correctly and please adults. But he finds it difficult to say: what he wants, what he feels, it is difficult for him to distinguish annoyance from anger, sadness from protest, he lives very much “in his head,” as if separately from his feelings and his body. Growing up, he can say, for example, that a good person is one who behaves decently and honestly. It wouldn’t even occur to him to compare that a good person smiles warmly, his eyes sparkle with joy, and it’s so cool to hug and be close to him.
The child of a distant mother receives little sympathy and therefore underestimates his feelings and needs. Often a child adapts to a cold mother, continuously achieving success, and gets used to raping himself, ignoring his desires, does not show sympathy for himself, and living in stress becomes the norm for him. The good news is that love, sharing, and empathy develop with practice and can be developed and “developed” in adulthood.
A child of a cold mother early loses hope for close, reliable connections with people . It is difficult for him to believe that he can be loved and valuable to someone just like that; it is difficult for him to allow someone to get closer to him. For an adult who was the child of a cold mother, it is much easier to run to the aid of others than to accept someone else's support or help. On the other hand, once he opens up to someone, he becomes more dependent and more often finds himself in the position of a victim.
The child grows up with a high level of anxiety . He is frightened by his mother’s constant detachment, he tries to earn her closeness, learns to be comfortable and correct, and does not dare to show his “inconvenient” feelings and desires. A cold mother tries to maintain a connection with the child for reasons of necessity or decency; the child instinctively reaches out to her, but when physically close, the mother begins to push him away in some indirect way: she finds fault over trifles, refers to being busy. And the child’s anxiety intensifies, he looks for shortcomings in himself and eliminates them, tries to be better, learns to tolerate self-neglect. Growing up, he often maintains this position and becomes a comfortable adult for everyone, trying to meet the expectations of many people, while considering them dangerous for himself.
The child refuses initiative, becomes passive, and falls into a feeling of powerlessness . He is powerless to achieve love, powerless to get out of the conflict, use his abilities, enjoy his talents and increase his achievements if they are not appreciated by the most important person - his mother.
But even if a child received such a cold experience in childhood, he can make up for a lot in adulthood. The psyche is plastic, and many injuries and “holes” are patched up when a person becomes strong, gets back on his feet and learns to be happier. Moreover, if the child’s psyche is strong enough, then he resists the contradictory signals of a cold mother, is indignant and stands his ground, looking for warmth from other adults. This, of course, disturbs the peace of the family, but such a child has a better chance of growing up healthy.
He becomes more independent
They say about the one-year-old baby that he is a real “mother’s tail.” But every day he gets older. And at one moment he can push you away, prohibiting you from even approaching his tower of cubes. There are several possible reasons:
- an older child needs your attention less;
- this way he can test your feelings. The baby’s thoughts are approximately the following: “Will my mother love me if I ignore her?”;
- The baby goes through another stage of development when it learns to concentrate its attention on something. And if a child is curious about learning a new activity, your hugs may be inappropriate.
Solution.
Try not to attach much importance to your baby's behavior. Remember: he still loves you just the same. It’s just that right now he doesn’t need your tenderness and kisses. If you see that your child is passionate about something, save your feelings for a more opportune moment. You can have a lot of cuddles with your little one before bed or when he is not so busy. The main thing is that he is always confident in your love.
At the moment, your child is “friends” with dad
The child constantly demands mom’s attention, and pushes dad away. And after a while the situation changes to the opposite - the baby is “friends” with dad, and mom remains on the sidelines.
Solution.
Every baby goes through a stage of development during which it becomes attached to one of the parents, and at the same time ignores the other. This happens more often in families where one of the adults works all day and is rarely at home.
But what should you do if your child begins to treat you differently, and you do not associate this with the next period in development? Analyze your behavior with your husband. Sometimes parents themselves do not realize that they are encouraging such “favoritism.”
Perhaps you become irritable when your spouse returns from work. Or maybe you show more feelings for the baby at such a moment?
If your child behaves with restraint when your husband comes home, explain to him the reason for this behavior. The baby just needs time to show his feelings. Therefore, you should not expect that he will necessarily welcome dad from work with open arms.
How does a cold mother feel, seen from the inside?
It very rarely happens that a cold, distant mother deliberately and maliciously torments her child. Most often, coldness is not a fault, but a misfortune for such a mother. She is caught up in complex internal and external circumstances that are difficult for her to overcome even with the best intentions. There is an opinion: we need to soberly part with the illusion that all mothers instinctively love their children. Mothers know that children need to be loved, but they do not always find the source of love within themselves. The mother may be bored with the child, the baby may frighten and tire her, she may be burdened by him, and at the same time fanatically take care of him, and at the same time suffer from a feeling of guilt for her lack of involvement in the baby. The psyche is capable of building the strangest logical structures to save a person from severe stress (and realizing that you don’t love your child is always stressful). And the cold mother will explain to herself that she got a very difficult and unbalanced child, that she is “just” a strict mother and behaves this way for the benefit of the child. A modern cold mother will most likely even diligently feign interest and express delight in a plastic voice, because today the trend is joyful participation in the child’s life. But be that as it may, many cold mothers deep down suffer from the fact that they cannot give their child something important.
Ethological scientists remind us of this curious fact: in most primates, the maternal instinct fades away when their cubs reach 5-6 years of age - this program may well affect mothers of the homo sapiens species. Of course, man is a social being, we are guided by cultural programs and have learned to cultivate the “secondary instinct” of maternal love and care, which operates throughout life. But the mechanism of this younger instinct is not so reliable. And we have to admit that there are unhappy mothers who do not love their children, although for social reasons they try to portray this absent feeling.
Another common reason for coldness towards a child is dislike for the child’s father , which is sometimes transferred to the baby. The mother may be offended by the child’s father, have a lot of complaints against him and, without understanding the subconscious processes, push her son or daughter away from herself.
Mom may be “dead” emotionally because she is depressed . The death of a loved one, separation from a loved one, difficult relationships, difficult life circumstances - all this can “switch off” the mother from the emotional connection with the child. A sad effect is also the lack of supports in life that could support a woman and give her strength: a favorite job, good friends, a loving family, health, hobbies, etc.
He's not too sentimental
Are you always very open in expressing your feelings? This doesn't mean your baby has to be the same.
Solution.
If your child seems too reserved, you may have to accept it. Don't be offended. Let your little one decide for herself when to express emotions. Remember: even children with a self-sufficient character need their mother's hugs and kisses from time to time. For example, when they are upset or scared.
Be attentive to the baby, and you will understand when the right moment comes for a gentle “cuddle.” And the little one will definitely reciprocate your feelings.
He is very angry, so he behaves badly
Sometimes children violate acceptable boundaries and behave aggressively. For example, you want to pet your little one, but he pushes you, tries to hit you or bite you.
Solution.
Even if the child did not physically hurt you, you must stop any attempts at violence. He must grasp the connection between his offense and possible punishment. Tell the baby: “You can’t do that!” Mom doesn't like your behavior. Stop it now or I’ll have to deprive you of your favorite cartoon for today.” And if the little one continues to behave badly, you must keep your word.
Conclusion
From the first minutes of life, a special connection is established between mother and child. Therefore, you can be very upset if one day he does not want to cuddle with you or turns away from the kiss. But now you have found out the reasons why your baby sometimes pushes you away. At such moments, remember that the situation can change in just a few minutes. Be attentive, patient, and your relationship with the baby will become friendly and strong.
