Children
January 26, 2021, 12:00
- Why you shouldn't yell at children
- Baby's personality
- Development of parent-child relationships
- Child social development
Parental breakdowns can cause extremely negative consequences for the child.
Sometimes screams can be heard even in prosperous and loving families. Every parent can raise their voice to their child, but, as a rule, repentance comes after this. Fathers and mothers ask for forgiveness from their baby and try to snuggle him. Physical punishment is completely unacceptable for a child, even if it is a slap on the bottom or a slap on the head. A child cannot be brought up in an atmosphere of tension; he suffers from a lack of understanding from those closest to him.
Parental breakdowns have a negative impact on the child’s psyche and development
Raising your voice is an indicator of parental helplessness
8 reasons why a baby cries
A person with a stable psychological state and a high level of internal introspection will never yell at his own child. A reasonable parent will give himself time to calm down, stabilize emotionally, and only after that will enter into an explanatory dialogue with the baby. And screaming is an admission of one’s own powerlessness in the face of a situation and a criterion for a complete lack of self-control.
Screaming and social development
A child's relationship with society depends on his relationship in the family.
- Shouting as a family communication style leads to the formation of a habit. The child carries it into social life: in the future he will shout at his children.
- Distrust of the world around us prevents us from enjoying life, building trusting relationships with other people, and making friends. This leads to difficulties in building loving, romantic, and friendly relationships in adulthood.
- Lack of independence and immaturity - a lack of support from loved ones causes a feeling of dislike. In this case, it is difficult to form responsibility - the child will try to shift it to others.
The victim complex is one of the most unpleasant consequences. The child feels unnecessary to the world, becomes touchy, prefers to suffer for any reason, even the slightest, and demands active attention and pity from those around him.
Aggression breeds aggression
Why you can’t bathe your child after vaccination - reasons
The behavior of children is a direct reflection of the attitude of adults towards them. But, naturally, the child cannot afford to take retaliatory actions towards the parent - his position in the family is lower. Therefore, the child begins to take out aggression in a different way: he acts as the instigator of fights in kindergarten, humiliates educators and teachers.
Why you shouldn't yell at children
Screaming scares the child , but he will not respect you at the same time. He will be afraid of you, but you will not be an authority for the baby. Speaking in a raised voice has a negative impact on the child’s personality, on your relationship with him, and on the child’s social development.
Baby's personality
When the closest people raise their voices at a child, it seems to him that he is not loved. The child begins to withdraw into himself, he develops incorrect, low self-esteem, phobias appear, and sleep is disturbed.
Screaming from mom and dad is stressful for a child
In the future, such a child will not be able to trust people and will consider them cruel. It will also be difficult for him in relationships with the opposite sex.
Development of parent-child relationships
The atmosphere in the family becomes tense if a child is shouted at. There is no warmth, friendship, or mutual understanding in the house. A child cannot know that his parents love him if he does not feel it. For example, if a father, coming home tired from work, raises his voice to his child every day, then the child will avoid meeting him and will not rejoice at the arrival of his father. The connection between parent and child disappears. The baby feels disappointment and misunderstanding.
Communication with a child in a raised tone as a reason for the formation of low self-esteem in him
Child social development
Also, the constant screaming of parents affects the child’s relationship with society in the future. Since the child did not have a positive example of good relationships in the family, having created his own family, he will not be able to be calm and be able to come to an agreement. Communication with your husband/wife and children will occur in a raised voice. It won't be easy for him to make friends either.
Because of the feeling of dislike, there will be no trust in people and sincerity; such a person will look for a catch in everything. Another possible consequence of such upbringing is the emergence of a sense of victimhood. A person raised in a family where he was constantly shouted at may feel resentment, self-pity, and his own worthlessness for the rest of his life. He will expect attention and compassion from those around him.
Cruel upbringing as a cause of social problems in a child in the future
Screaming is as traumatic as physical punishment
Naturally, a teenager of about 14 can already fight back against an adult parent: shout, be rude and leave home during the conflict. But younger children have no choice but to resign themselves and remain in a state of stress. Consequently, by allowing himself verbal aggression towards a defenseless baby, the parent automatically acts as a sadist.
How not to yell at a child? Negative emotions
Why are we screaming
Speaking about screaming, it can be argued that there are two main reasons for its appearance:
The presence of a conflict and the need to resolve it. Screaming in this case is the easiest and most accessible, but absolutely ineffective way to respond. The parties to the conflict are only aggravating the current difficult situation without finding a constructive solution.
The need to get rid of negative emotions, internal fatigue, stress , which can be experienced by every person living in a stressful rhythm. Modern man is very often at the mercy of negative feelings: anger, fatigue, aggression, resentment. The accumulation of negative factors periodically requires a way out, and this way out can be as unpleasant as the feelings themselves: the person begins to raise his voice.
It is very easy to trace the following pattern: the more tired we are, the more negativity accumulates in us, the more often, stronger and louder we want to scream. Unfortunately, most often an adult’s yelling at a child is a consequence of precisely this need to get rid of negative feelings. A child is defenseless in the face of an irritated parent, he cannot stop the wave of negativity, he cannot fence himself off with a “wall” of indifference.
It is also worth noting that when a person shouts, it harms not only the person at whom the voice is raised, but also the shouter himself. A child at whom anger is directed experiences a wide variety of emotions: fear, misunderstanding, rejection; very often subsequent distrust, distance, and a desire to avoid contact may arise. If episodes of crying constantly occur in the family, then the relationship between parents and child gradually deteriorates. The spiritual connection between them disappears, the relationship becomes dry, the baby gradually withdraws into himself and does not feel the support of loved ones.
Of course, screaming has an equally destructive effect on the one who screams. At first, relief seems to come, negative emotions have found their way out, but they are replaced by new ones. The person screaming subconsciously begins to experience a feeling of guilt, devastation, he is also in pain and unpleasant. As a result, it turns out that both sides of the conflict suffer; new ones are added to the problems that caused the first surge of emotions.
It turns out that difficulties accumulate like a snowball, and the adult, blinded by emotions, does not find a constructive solution.
Why you shouldn't yell at a child
So, let's try to figure out why you should never yell at children under any circumstances. There are several main aspects to this problem:
- the impact of screaming on a child’s personality;
- the influence of screaming on the formation of parent-child relationships;
- the influence of screaming on the formation of a child’s relationship with society in the future.
Child's personality.
Speaking about the influence of screaming on a child’s personality, it is necessary to note the following:
An adult's shouting at a child contributes to the formation of distrust and resentment not only towards this adult, but also towards society as a whole. A child of early and preschool age is able to make simple analogies and associations. If a close adult can offend, then strangers can offend no less, and even more, so you should not trust them and you must always be on your guard. The child becomes withdrawn, smiles less, has difficulty making contact with unfamiliar people, experiences anxiety, and may cry often and for no reason. Subconsciously, the baby begins to constantly experience unreasonable fear, sleeps poorly, becomes nervous, and irritable.
Periodically experiencing outbursts of negativity from an adult, the child lives in constant tension, expecting not something good, but, on the contrary, something worse. Such tension inhibits the harmonious development of the child’s personality; the baby gets used to living in constant fear, which ultimately leads to the fact that he experiences difficulties in expressing his “I” and emotions.
Behavioral disorders may appear: instead of becoming obedient, the child, on the contrary, behaves worse and worse. The explanation for this is very simple: “If they shout at me when I do everything “as it should”, then why am I doing it?” Children always seek approval and support from significant adults - parents, close relatives. If they do not receive this support, then they begin to look for other ways of behavior (very often unacceptable in our understanding), doing everything to attract attention to themselves.
Often there is such a phenomenon as the desire to please, to do everything possible, just so that “mom doesn’t scream.” The child does everything to make his parents happy. Children begin to flatter, deceive, and deceive. Parents very often do not understand where these types of behavior come from, get angry with the child and start screaming again...
Family climate. Crying has an impact not only on the formation of the child’s personality, but also directly on the climate in the family. In the complex development of problems of parent-child relationships, it is necessary to highlight the following aspects:
The appearance of “coldness” in relationships. A child, experiencing parental unreasonable anger, tends to distance himself and close himself off. If crying episodes occur quite often and at approximately the same time (for example, when dad comes home tired from work), then the child will subconsciously avoid communicating with him at a certain time. Misunderstanding accumulates, relationships become dry, less emotionally charged and purely businesslike, which is extremely undesirable for children of early and preschool age.
Parents, in turn, also do not recognize their child, who suddenly turned from joyful and smiling into a withdrawn, “prickly” child. Trying to find out from the now silent baby the reasons for the unusual behavior, without finding intelligible answers, adults become irritated and upset. At some point, disappointment may even arise like “I work with him so much, pay attention to him, but he...”.
The relationship goes in a vicious circle: the parents get angry, the child is silent, because most often the baby is not yet able to explain what is happening to him or talk about his experiences.
The future of the child. There is a negative impact of screaming on the development of a child’s communication in the future. The following negative factors should be noted here:
If episodes of an adult's screaming occur constantly and become a kind of communication style in a particular family, then there is a very high probability that in the future the child will copy this behavior. This, in turn, will lead to difficulties in communication (already becoming an adult, a person will solve any problem or misunderstanding by raising his voice), problems in creating his own family. As a rule, children who grew up under the influence of negative emotions, constantly experiencing the anger of their parents, do not know how to negotiate or seek a compromise with people close to them. And of course, the model of the parental family is often subconsciously transferred to the future family: a grown child with a high degree of probability will also yell at his children.
As mentioned above, a child who is shouted at develops a negative attitude towards the world as a whole. Moreover, this attitude persists for many years, in the future it is difficult for such children to find themselves, the feeling of hostility from everything around them does not allow them to live a full life, they are terrified of failure, prefer to avoid new acquaintances; a person often does not know how to create strong emotional connections with people.
Not feeling full parental support in childhood, such children panicky need it in adulthood; they are often infantile and incapable of making independent decisions. A person will demand endless attention from the people around him, unreasonably experience a feeling of resentment and misunderstanding, suffering himself and making others suffer.
Infantility may also manifest itself in the fact that such children in the future are not able to bear responsibility for their actions and strive to shift it to others. If they fail, they subconsciously fear that “now they will shout at me again, like in childhood.” In this regard, it is difficult for them to make important decisions, to radically change something in their lives: what if failure and dissatisfaction of others follow?
Yelling at a child - what to do?
From all of the above, one can draw one very specific conclusion: yelling at children is not only harmful, but also very dangerous: even rare outbursts of anger from an adult are fraught with serious problems for the child in the future. Understanding this, it is still necessary to answer one more very pressing question: how to deal with the unbearable desire to scream, to throw out all the negativity that has accumulated over any period of time? In this case, several simple exercises available to every adult can help.
Try to contain the negativity. If you feel that you are slowly but surely “boiling,” go to another room, go outside, shout at any inanimate object. Many people find it helpful to count slowly to 10 while taking deep breaths. Surely you have had to restrain your anger towards your boss or colleagues, so it is not at all difficult to restrain it towards your baby.
If the desire to scream is a consequence of your constant fatigue, then you need to reconsider your regime. Try to get enough sleep, eat well and rest. If you are so tired that you don’t have the strength to pay attention to your child, spend some time alone, take a walk, and you will very quickly realize that you miss your baby. Try to go somewhere with your whole family more often, visit different interesting places together. Remember: a child needs healthy and happy parents, to whom he can always turn for support and help without fear.
Make it a rule for yourself the following: as soon as you feel that you are ready to scream, then... start whispering! This will teach not only you, but also other family members not to shout, because in order to hear a whisper, you need to be quiet yourself.
When you're ready to lose your temper, go to the mirror or just imagine what your face looks like when you scream. An unpleasant sight, isn't it? Do you want your child to see this look on your face?
If the child does not listen, try to replace the scream with a calm explanation of why it is “not allowed” and “how it should be done.” In this situation, the following helps a lot: just imagine that you made a mistake at work, and your boss starts shouting without explaining the reasons. Would you like it? Express your thoughts clearly and clearly, do not be afraid to repeat your request to your child: many children need to listen to the same thing several times in order to “hear.”
If you feel like screaming while talking to your child, just close your eyes and continue talking. By performing this simple technique, you won’t feel like screaming at all. If you are tired and ready to scream, do not be afraid to tell your child about it, no matter how small he is. Explain why you are in a bad mood and how you feel at the moment. You'll see, the child will definitely understand you.
In a situation where you still couldn’t hold back the scream, don’t be afraid to apologize to your child. A sincere “I’m sorry” will not only help smooth out the consequences of the conflict, but will also contribute to the establishment of strong emotional connections.
The most important thing is to always remember that it is very easy to offend a child, and the consequences of this offense are very difficult, sometimes even impossible, to heal. Try not to forget for a minute that in front of you is your beloved and dearest baby; he did nothing to deserve the loud cry of his mother or father. You are the only person who can teach your baby to perceive the world in bright colors, and your negative emotions do not contribute to this! Remember this - and everything will work out for you!
Try not to throw comments at every step. The child himself must go through the path that everyone has gone through, including his parents. He should know that the oven is sometimes hot, the mug can break, hot water can burn you, etc.
Patient parents can repeat their words again in a calm manner. But for some, the calm quickly ends, and comments turn into shouting, and then into anger. Screaming, in other words, the transfer of negative energy from parent to child. Uncontrolled anger in an adult is especially dangerous.
Imagine that you are throwing stones at your child with anger and negative energy, which forms in the child a constant fear of you. He is in terrible pain and scared. Fear causes spasms in the child's muscles and organs, which do not go away with age, but lead to various diseases. When a child does something wrong completely by accident and he realizes that this will be followed by a serious punishment, everything inside him shrinks with fear, his heart is beating loudly and he is simply on the edge. Imagine the consequences of such stress for a child - it is dangerous even for an adult.
If the situation is not changed, then the older child will adapt to the constant screaming as best he can, his behavior will become unbreakable, it will be difficult to reach you, he will simply stop listening and hearing you. He will start doing things that you think are unacceptable to spite you. No matter how much you scream, the answer is absolute lack of understanding and emptiness in your gaze.
What to do, because it is very difficult not to punish a naughty person.
Try to analyze, first of all, your attitude towards the child. Does he get a lot of your attention? Even when a child has reached a more independent age from 6 to 8 years, he still really needs the attention of his parents, although he already realizes that parents may be busy with work, or with the new baby in your family.
To attract your attention, the child screams, throws tantrums and even gets sick often.
Love will help you improve your relationship with your child..
What to do in such a situation. Most importantly, tell your child more about how much you love him, and do it more often, and completely sincerely. Over time, the baby will get used to this attitude towards himself and will treat you and his children with love in the future. Try not to yell at your child at all, even if the situation arises that it is difficult to do without yelling. Make comments to him, but in a gentle form and after praise.
For example:
- you are always so great
— you help me change the beds
- studying with your little brother
- you put away toys - but today your behavior made me very upset and offended. You and I agreed that you wouldn’t jump and scream. After all, your screaming causes a lot of grief to our neighbors.
Try not to shout, don’t beat yourself up, and if it’s difficult to avoid anger , then it’s better to go into another room. You need to calm down. Take a few deep breaths and exhales and maybe drink some water. Instead of venting your anger, reprimand your child for misbehavior, but briefly and in a positive manner, otherwise the child will become withdrawn.
To yell or not to yell at a child under 3 years old
Hey everyone. Today I have a cry from the heart. I understand that we mothers are very tired, we don’t have time to do a lot, we have to clean, cook, we also have to meet our husband with a smile, go to the store, take a walk with the child, and also work out with him and we have to repeat the same thing 50 times a day , but I want to lie down a little, read my favorite book and just a little silence. But my dears, we ourselves wanted children with you, we knew that it would not be easy. It was not they who came to us, it was we who called them here and they found themselves in a world incomprehensible to them, they want to know and see everything. And they actually don’t know or understand something, they don’t forget our words on purpose, they just switch quickly. They need us very much, when they fall, they run to us, when they find something new, they bring it to us, they draw for us, they follow us with their tails and that’s why they love us very much, now we are for them the center of their lives. Let's love our children too, let's show them a world where love and peace are the basis. And later, instead of “mom, leave me alone”, they will again run to us and share with us and say “mom, thank you for being there”......
And I was prompted to write this by a recent situation. A few days ago, while out for a walk, I noticed a situation: a boy about 1.5 years old came up to a trash can and tried to touch it, then his mother flies up and with wild eyes starts yelling at him “IMPOSSIBLE, I WHO YOU TELL TO MOVE AWAY, FUCK, YOU CAN'T!!!!!!! and started hitting him on the hands. For about 5 minutes the situation was repeated: the boy reaches for the trash can and the mother says “NO” and hits him on the hands. It all ended with the baby crying and they left the site. What is this? I am against permissiveness, but not to that extent.
And then I fell into a stupor... Why is this attitude towards the baby? I’ve been watching mothers for several days and many of them communicate with babies (I’m talking specifically about babies under 3 years old) in an imperative tone. But of course, the majority of those who are clearly already on edge, but are trying to calmly explain. I myself have a 1-year-old daughter, she is also a mischief-maker, she climbs everywhere and wants to touch everything. But I try (although I don’t always succeed) to communicate and explain to her quietly, and my husband and I made it a rule not to say the word “DON’T” to the child, but to say “DON’T” and explain why, and for example, if it’s dangerous, then we add the words “ ay-ay-ay,” and if there’s dirt or something like that, then “fu-fu-fu,” or simply distract it with something else. I read somewhere that you need to scold a child in the tone that he hears, otherwise he perceives everything you say to him as noise. For example, here, if I see that they don’t notice me, I switch to a whisper, and almost immediately the child is next to me and is completely attentive.
PS I didn’t want to offend or offend anyone, I myself am not an ideal mother. I just wanted to share my emotions with you.
Thanks to everyone who read. What would you do in this situation? Moms, share your experience in raising children. What methods have you found to influence your children? And how did you deal with the urge to yell and hit your child?
