The Two Minute Rule, or How to Stop Yelling at Your Children

Trying to manage emotions is only good in theory. In reality everything is different. A breakdown is like a flash of uncontrollable rage. You don’t consciously choose anything, you don’t comprehend anything. At such a moment, there is simply no one left to think about how not to lash out at the child: you are not you, it’s as if an uncontrollable monster lives with you. He has neither love nor empathy. Screaming until you are hoarse, words of hatred. It’s as if the hands themselves are shaking the small body, giving slaps and slaps on the back of the head...

...And we come to our senses in different ways. Sometimes consciousness turns on at the sight of a child’s eyes, full of tears, fear and pain. And sometimes this doesn’t work anymore. After all, the worst thing about this uncontrollable aggression is:

Recurrence and tendency to worsen

With each new breakdown, consciousness turns off earlier. Last time, all sorts of poultices like “count to 10” or “breathe according to some kind of pattern” also helped. But next time you won’t have time to count or diagrams. The breakdown occurs so suddenly, as if someone invisible inside pressed the red button.

If at first things get done with shouting and insults, then gradually the situation gets worse. Consciousness does not turn on either at the sight of children's tears, or because the baby clings to his legs and begs to stop. The inner monster goes into a rage, into voluptuousness from causing pain. And now you come to your senses when your own throat hurts from screaming, and your own hand hurts from slaps and slaps. Wild fear arises:

What will happen to my child now? What consequences await him from such “upbringing”?

This fear is justified. The problem of how not to scream and not take it out on a child must be solved as soon as possible: time does not wait!

Screaming and hitting cause great harm to the child. The specific consequences depend on what innate mental properties the child is endowed with:

• Little introverted sonics have a special hearing sensitivity. Parental screaming leads to the child developing mental disorders (depression, autism, schizophrenia).
• Children with a visual vector are particularly emotional. Screaming and aggression fix such a child in a state of fear for himself. As a result, numerous fears, phobias, and panic attacks become the “norm of life” for them.
• Smart and dexterous owners of the skin vector have been striving for high achievements and success since childhood. Humiliating words lead to the formation of a scenario for failure: no matter what a person undertakes in life, nothing comes of it. And beating his especially sensitive skin gives a special result: masochistic tendencies develop. The germ of masochism is clearly visible when the child can no longer calm down or fall asleep on his own: he needs another portion of spanks and screams.
• Children with the anal vector have a special value - family, and the mother is generally the main person in life. Screaming and physical punishment lead to the formation of a difficult life scenario: resentment against the mother. Later this is projected onto marriage partners and prevents them from developing a normal family life. Manifestations of stubbornness and aggression towards animals and people in such a child are alarm bells of bad conditions.

The feeling of shame and guilt for ruining a child’s life with your own hands does not allow you to live. There is even a strong desire to take revenge, causing damage to oneself: some mothers then slap themselves, scold themselves until exhaustion, and cry.

It is important to know: there is a way out! Before puberty, the child’s psyche is in close connection with the mother’s. Until he becomes an adult, the situation is reversible. If you manage to successfully solve the problem of how not to lash out at your child, then the damage done to him can still be repaired.

And the first step to learning not to take it out on a child is to realize:

Don't get carried away with punishments.

Each mother chooses the method of punishment herself. But while children are small, they use them extremely rarely. Children grow up and do not respond to many old “tricks”. Mommy doesn't want to give up. As a result, punishment becomes more severe and sometimes more frequent. Tip 3 mentioned problems with children. This is exactly where you need to be extremely careful. The choice, methods, and frequency of punishment will affect the further development of the child's character. You should be careful not to harm the child’s spiritual harmony. It is because of punishment that many children have big complexes.

What are the real, underlying reasons for your breakdowns?

Most often they are complex:

1. Lack of a sense of security and safety from a man.

By nature, a woman experiences inner comfort when she knows for sure: she can calmly bear, give birth and raise a child as long as necessary, and her man will always be able to protect and provide for the family.

This feeling of comfort is also reinforced by sexual relations: during intimacy, the vaginal walls absorb male ejaculate. It contains certain substances that act on the brain, giving you a feeling of calm and security.

But when there is a lack of alimony or sexual intimacy, the woman sooner or later “loses her nerves.” If this is your case, then it is important to figure out what is behind the problems in the couple. Without this, there is no solution to how not to scream and take it out on the child. After all, the baby receives a sense of security and safety from you, from the mother. And if you have nowhere to get it from, then the problem is not solved. Most often, hidden psychological traumas, anchors or false attitudes prevent a woman from establishing a relationship with her husband.

2. Lack of psychological knowledge.

This reason affects every area of ​​our life.

• Let's start with the most obvious: problems in education. Most often, the bad behavior of children is due to the fact that we raise them without taking into account the natural characteristics that were given to them from birth.

For example, mom is a careful and scrupulous person, thorough and thorough. Values ​​order and regularity. But the child was born completely different, with a different psyche (it is not inherited, like external signs). For example, you have a baby with a skin vector: nimble, restless, dexterous. He does everything not for quality, but for speed - that’s his nature.

In the process of playing or creating, there is “chaos and chaos” around. Things generally lie everywhere and at random. It is important to instill in such a child a sense of time (routine) and develop discipline skills, and then things will go smoothly. For example, you can establish a rule: I give you an hour to play (even if everything is scattered around), and after an hour you put everything away and put it away. Gradually, the child adapts the rules and restrictions - he needs them for development.

But when the soul is already disgusting, and the mother does not understand the properties of the child, she is simply offended because he is the way he is. How can you create such a mess? Why can’t you sit quietly - you definitely have to jerk your arms and legs! Well, here’s how not to snap at your child if he’s simply unbearable!

• The lack of psychological knowledge also fails us in couple relationships.

The psyche of a husband and wife can also be radically different. For example, you are the emotional owner of the visual vector, and your husband is an introverted sound engineer. He can feel strongly and deeply, but this is little expressed outwardly. He speaks little, and when problems arise, he prefers to retire, to be alone, to think everything over. He really needs it.

But to an emotional woman it seems that he is cold and indifferent - perhaps he no longer loves her at all. She is genuinely suffering and very nervous.

• The lack of psychological knowledge leads to the fact that we acquire bad states in interactions with any people.

This is already clear from the examples with my husband and child. But the same thing happens to relatives and friends, colleagues and even just fellow travelers on transport. We attribute false qualities to people and expect things that another person can never give. We waste a lot of nerves where a psychologically savvy person wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow, but would find the right and accurate approach almost instantly.

3. Lack of social fulfillment and own psychological trauma.

Our bad states are based on our own psychological problems. Often they generally come from childhood, and we may not be aware of them at all. For example:

• You are the owner of a sound vector. As a child, adults often raised their voices at you or quarreled among themselves, using offensive words in their speech. This always injures the sound engineer’s particularly sensitive ear. And now, as an adult, any scream and noise can be unbearable - you want to leave, close yourself off from it.

But there is nowhere to leave your own child. He is still very small, screams and cries like all children. But you react in a special way: this scream tears your brain apart and causes pain. If you have somewhere to “escape” for a while, you can arrange for yourself to unload. And if not? At some point you find yourself screaming over the cradle, and words of hatred fly from your lips.

• Nature has given you a visual vector of the psyche. You are very emotional, sensitive. But in childhood there were traumas that fixed you in a state of fear (adults scared you, read “horror stories”, etc.). And now, as an adult, you are tormented by anxiety, and if children mean a lot to you, then this anxiety most often manifests itself precisely in fear for the children.

As soon as the child moves a little further than ordered, you are already exploding from the inside with fear. How can you not scream and take it out on a child if it’s pounding from the inside? He blushed a little and sweated - it seems to you that he is sick. And so it is in everything. Anxious states are exhausting and prevent you from enjoying parenthood normally. And of course, they intensify your breakdowns.

These are just examples. Injuries can be different, and a modern mother living in the city has about 3-4 vectors at once.

Various anchors and false installations can add fuel to the fire. For example:

• You could have received various negative anchors about couple relationships from your mother. This is especially true in cases where the mother was unhappy in the couple, suffered and could rashly express all the bad things she thinks about men. This sometimes takes its toll on a fragile child’s psyche in such a way that in the future you would like to, but cannot, build happiness as a couple. This means getting a sense of security and safety from a man in order to pass this on to the child.
• You can pick up false attitudes even in adulthood. There are many of them today. “Love yourself” - this attitude does not allow a warm relationship to form in a couple. “A real woman should be...” - and then it doesn’t matter what’s in the text. In fact, only you yourself can reveal your entire nature - when you unmistakably understand your psyche and get rid of any traumas and imposed husks.

4. There is no strength to cope with stress.

All the reasons listed above have a cumulative effect: often the mother does not have the strength to adapt to even moderate stress. It turns out that there is an unanswered question: how not to scream and not take it out on a child, if even from ordinary children’s tricks you feel powerless and want to cry? Helplessness sets in, a lack of understanding of how to raise him correctly, so as not to spoil him, but also not to be a monster and not cause harm to the child.

It happens that other people cannot understand your reaction and condemn your outbursts. And behind them sometimes lies so much - psychological problems, everyday problems, problems in a couple, and misunderstanding of relatives...

5. Lack of security and safety from society.

Without receiving sufficient support from a man (especially if you are divorced), a woman often cannot receive this from society through social guarantees. When there is no alimony, and social payments are not enough to properly support the child, this is always an additional stress factor for the mother.

And the psychological competence of the people around us sometimes leaves much to be desired. It happens that you are ashamed of the behavior of your son or daughter, and “kind people” keep giving you advice on what to do with an uncontrollable child. But trying to follow them can cause great damage. Other people are guided only by their own “IMHO”, not understanding how the psyche of your child works. This means they give false advice en masse.

What to do?

Say “I love you” more often.

This word is vital for any child. It calms him down and gives him a feeling of security. It unites you with invisible threads. Moreover, there is nothing more beautiful and purer than the love between mother and child. Our children are too defenseless in this world without our support and care. All the daily hustle and bustle is your choice. We create problems and worries for ourselves. And children cannot wait until a couple of hours are allocated for them. They love you around the clock and they need to know that this is not unrequited love.