How to stop hitting and scolding your child? Advice from psychologists and pediatricians

Psychologists say that anger at a child and parental aggression directed at him worries not only parents, but also school teachers. If you are unable to extinguish your negative attitude towards your child on your own, you should seek help from a specialist.

Let's take a closer look at four tips for parents from psychologists aimed at getting rid of screaming and anger at their child.

Why is it scary when children are beaten by their relatives?

By punishing a child physically, parents cause him irreparable moral harm. The pain will subside, but the memories of humiliation will leave a mark on the soul. Do you think the children will grow up and forget and understand? Moral injuries can manifest themselves in different ways throughout life.

The consequences of situations where parents hit their small child, not knowing what to do with uncontrollable outbursts of rage:

• The concepts of “punishment” and “education” are being replaced.

  The purpose of education is to help learn new skills. Punishments - implement external control instead of internal control.

• The little person experiences pain, fear of the parents whom he trusted, and feels betrayed.

  Later, as he grows up, he continues to resolve conflicts in this way. Parents justify themselves: “I beat him so that he learns a lesson and grows up as a man.” Think about what kind of personality he will grow up to be?

• Beatings can lead to physical injury and irreversible consequences.

  When you realize and say to yourself: “It’s me, it’s me who takes it out on the child and hits him,” you will see from the outside how other parents hit their children. You will understand how fragile a little man is, and you will do everything to ensure that pain and fear go away from your baby’s life.

• Domestic violence will lead to the same behavior in kindergarten and school.

  A child or teenager will repeat the behavior pattern adopted in the family. Taking out your negativity on others.

Corporal punishment is a method that “works” faster than others, which is why parents use it more often than others. When an adult beats children, he also causes mental trauma, as a result of which the little person’s mental and physical development, craving for creativity, and emotions fade away.

Screaming is a need to defend one's interests

By shouting, people try to rid themselves of accumulated negative emotions. Difficult life experiences lead to spilling out one’s feelings on others, and sometimes manifest themselves in extremely aggressive forms. It is these methods that people use to defend their interests, even on a subconscious level.

Children are designed in such a way that the desire to understand the world pushes them to violate the boundaries of what is permitted. They often violate the boundaries set by their mother, although they are strongly connected with her on an emotional level until they reach adulthood. True, for some, these connections continue until adolescence, while others are connected with their mother for much longer.

We cannot discount the fact that children also form their own boundaries in the process of developing their personality. Just like adults. They try to defend them and conflicts arise.

Speaking about emotional boundaries, it should be noted that these are, first of all, the resources of the parental body. Mothers, busy at work, with household chores at home and raising children, often lack these resources even on a physical level: lack of sleep, untimely meals, etc. After all, a lot of effort and time is spent on raising a child, so children are the main reason for the energy expenditure of parents.

Emotional support is needed not only by children, but also by adults. There are often situations when the mother herself needs to be supported, to help her psychologically, but there is no one. The internal accumulation of aggression grows, it is impossible to extinguish emotions, and the mother shouts at the child to leave her alone. She herself needs to restore the spent energy.

Why do adults use force?

The point is not in the behavior of the little person, but in the inability of an adult to get out of the situation with dignity.

Physical violence, even harmless pokes, slaps on the butt, slaps on the head, indicate one thing - mom or dad don’t know that they can behave differently, they don’t want or are unable to change their behavior.

Why do adults want to beat a child:

1. They came home from work tired, irritated, and their bored child bombarded them with questions: when will we read, when will we play? From explanations you quickly break into a scream.
2. They apply the principle “everyone was beaten in childhood, me too, and so will I.”
3. They want to show who dominates the family.
4. They believe that beating children is the most effective way to educate. This way the child will quickly understand what can be done and what cannot be done. He will grow up well-mannered and hardworking.
5. They take out the irritation accumulated during the day. You can't often hit an offender, but you can hit a little person.

Also, many women make shocking confessions like “I want to beat him because he reminds me of my departed husband.” And the baby is beaten because the mother is mentally ill.

Behind all these reasons there are problems in the adult’s head, which he is not able to immediately resolve, often without even realizing their existence. To clarify the situation, it is necessary to clearly understand that in any case you can do without physical violence against the baby.

There are calm, safe parenting methods.

If you want to know how to stop yelling at your child and spanking him, then first of all keep yourself busy with interesting things. You will become calmer, and the children will feel it themselves. Let it be gradual, but the result will be - the child will stop “bothering” (in your opinion), will find hobbies, will pull you into his business, and peace will reign in the family.

Why do parents scream?

There is a myth that many parents believe: when we scream, children get it faster. This is not true. A baby whose voice is often raised adapts to this situation and does not react to screams. For him they mean no more than the usual calm timbre of his voice.

Child psychologists confirm this with the simplest experiment. Children are given a piece of paper and asked to draw a character. As a rule, a child, accustomed to the rude shouts of his relatives, draws him without ears. He himself does not react to the screams of adults, putting, as it were, a barrier between himself and the screaming person, and the character wants to protect him from these unpleasant moments. This does not mean that anything is happening to the child's hearing. He simply does not respond to a loud voice, and the screams of adults do not achieve the expected result.

The life of adults is complex and full of all kinds of emotions, including negative manifestations. They gradually place these emotions in the environment. Resentment towards superiors, dissatisfaction with relatives, children, worries accumulate inside every person. Finally, a moment comes when a person is unable to contain the emotions that overwhelm him. He gives vent to his anger and aggression and places it inside the child. They are expressed by screaming, irritation, psychosis and aggression. This happens in those moments when a difficult situation in life is created.

You can often see a situation where a mother yells at a child, trying to encourage him to maintain discipline. However, screaming is not the method by which a baby will become a meek and obedient child. The child, like a shield, fences himself off from the loud voice of an adult, and his defensive reaction is triggered.

We can say with complete confidence that the nature of the cry lies in the plane of the parents’ own emotions, as an opportunity to show that they are no longer able to tolerate the situation that has arisen.

Adults who notice such a manifestation of emotions in relation to a child must determine, first of all, for themselves the reason for the cry. Only by knowing it can you learn to manage your emotions.

Screaming in anger at a child and hitting him is contraindicated for education

To stop, use tips tested by other parents. Read carefully, think about each point. It's not scary if you recognize yourself. It’s worse if you want to leave everything as it is, continuing to get bogged down in this swamp.

Start with yourself

Can't help but scream and hit your child? There are few parents who are actually cruel and take joy in physically abusing their children. The overwhelming majority of mothers and fathers greatly regret their behavior, often cry with the offended child and ask for forgiveness.

A lot of work awaits you. Each time you will overcome the temptation to solve the problem of disobedience in a quick, familiar way. But over time, you will feel that the abolition of physical violence evens out the situation, makes children understanding, obedient, and establishes peace in the family.

What is needed for this?

Stop telling the little person how to behave. This doesn't work. He resists you, you attack him with pokes and slaps.

Show by your behavior what needs to be done. After all, children are our reflection.

Are you teaching order? Do you put all your things in their place?

Children don't let you rest after a working day? Do you do this when they come home from school or kindergarten? Or do you load them with things to do so that they are constantly busy, don’t play on the phone, don’t ask you to solve a problem?

In any situation, look at yourself and ask one question: how do I act in the same circumstances? You feel offended if your own child attacks you with fists, trying to take something by force. Why do you show that only physical violence produces results?

They asked a psychologist whether parents can scold their teenage child.

A correspondent of the Minsk-Novosti agency found out how to properly scold a teenager after talking with psychologist Natalya Belaya.

That’s right - don’t scold, Natalya Belaya is convinced. She shared tips for building relationships between parents and growing children:

—What do we, parents, fear most? That teenagers will become uncontrollable, fall into bad company, follow a crooked path, start drinking, using drugs, end up in a colony, get pregnant early... The picture, of course, is terrifying. But adolescence does not appear suddenly. And it is very important how you built a relationship with your child before: did you see him as a person, were you interested in the inner world of your son or daughter, in what psychological atmosphere does your family’s life take place, how much can the child trust you, how are you doing with boundaries? Do you respect yourself and your child?

Recently I heard the phrase that modern parents are focused on not harming the child - we are ready to look for ways and means of interaction, learn to educate, admit our own mistakes. Previous generations of parents did not consider the psychology of a teenager as seriously as we do now. And this is great, in my opinion, this is an additional resource for both us and our children. So instead of looking for ways to scold correctly, let's look for ways to interact effectively.

- What you should pay attention to?

— First, let’s agree that a child is a person who has his own feelings, thoughts, needs and experiences. And what seems nonsense to us may be completely different for a child. Therefore, I propose this rule: you should not strive to understand everything, but you should strive to accept it. For example: “Daughter, you look absolutely beautiful in this dress! We won’t buy any more jeans, you’ll walk like a normal girl.” And she feels terribly awkward in this dress. And for her it is like that. Awkwardness is her reality. We learn to accept her reality without judging or devaluing her feelings. Of course, we can express our opinion, but it is not the only correct one. If you succeed, then this is a good bridge for building trust.

— Very often, issues of studying, cleaning the room, excessive use of gadgets, communicating with friends and spending time become stumbling blocks in relationships with teenagers. What can help prevent conflict?

- If a teenager has his own room, and there is such an order there that for you a thousand times a mess - come to an agreement! On the one hand, the child has the right to personal space, but on the other, it is important that this does not begin to violate the boundaries of other family members. Therefore, look for options in which the teenager will have certain rules and follow them. Only he should participate in the discussion and adoption of these rules. And here you can look for a compromise. For example, you don’t have to wash the dishes after yourself, but then you vacuum the entire apartment twice a week, not just your room.

I say this often and I will repeat it: children need rules. If there are rules in the family, then they must be followed by both parents and children. When there are several teenage children in a family, then rules must be set individually with each one. And this is a good experience that helps children see that everyone has their own approach, but at the same time everyone has rights and responsibilities.

“Sometimes we, parents, are so afraid of ruining our relationships with teenagers that we go to extremes - we begin to ingratiate ourselves, to be reliable. Is it possible to do this or is there an alternative?

— You cannot erase the boundaries of the family hierarchy. Sometimes a mother says that she and her daughter are friends. This is good, but where is her mother? In such cases, confusion and role reversal begin. This can be harmful to parents. There are things that should not be discussed with children; we should not share any details of our adult personal lives, as we could do with our real friends. There must be a boundary beyond which the child feels BEHIND the parents, recognizes himself as junior in the hierarchy and, thus, protected. Also, during adolescence, consistency between parents or other older family members is especially important. During this period, it is especially impossible to allow situations where one allowed, and the other immediately prohibited. All this has negative consequences for the child: it can frighten or teach the behavior of a “chameleon” when he is forced to adapt to the situation, as they say, “both yours and ours” and can lose himself in this.

— Is it possible to criticize a teenager?

— Criticism is another way to ruin a relationship with a teenager and build a wall of alienation. Change it to curiosity tactics. Namely: ask your child such questions, by answering which he himself will understand the idea that you would like to convey. And this will be appreciated more than a lecture from you. Sometimes such conversations and questions really help to get closer and understand your daughter or son. Use this magical method.

— Are there situations where parents still make decisions unilaterally?

- Eat. This concerns security issues. Here you can simply explain: I am mom (dad), I am responsible for you, that’s why I do this. Remember yourself at that age, what did you want from your parents then? The most frequent answers I heard: we wanted respect, recognition of our rights to something, recognition that I exist and I am good, even when it is difficult with me. There is a wonderful phrase: “Children need our love most when they least deserve it.”

Accept your anger and work with it

Many parents complain: “I yell and hit my one-year-old or three-year-old child, I can’t control myself, what should I do?”

This is where the negative emotion “anger” comes into play. While children are small, mother spends more time with them. She is very tired and has no energy for positive experiences. She knows and uses various calming techniques, but still complains that “At a certain moment I lose my temper, scream, and now I’ve already beaten him... What should I do?”

First, you need to understand that we often take out our anger on those we love. Especially on those who are weaker or silent. Emotions exist separately from our love. They originate in the brain. It is necessary to share them with feelings.

Take time to delve into yourself, notice when you begin to experience anger, clearly understand - is it needed now? Will it help improve the situation or, on the contrary, will it only worsen it?

It’s better when a child is not beaten for a broken cup, but quickly puts the pieces together, kisses, hugs, says “it happens” and happy go on with their business. Everyone's mood improves.

Kiss, hug him. This will not make him grow up to be a pampered person. On the contrary, having received enough warmth and affection in childhood, in adulthood a person will not look for a “nanny” for himself, but someone to whom he can give his care.

What can help

Find something enjoyable for yourself and do it today! No excuses!

I will share one more nuance that is important to know. Our right hemisphere is responsible for emotions, it is also responsible for behavioral “scripts”, for the program that is laid down in us by evolution, genes, parents, etc. All impulses from there are triggered instantly; before we even have time to think, we have already reacted.

We cannot suppress all this, but we can try to “de-energize” the right hemisphere by turning on the left. And there we have logic. That’s why it’s often advised to start counting so as not to explode and cool down. And it works. The left turns on, takes power from the right, and it becomes easier to control yourself. Try to start counting to 10, or better yet, more, at moments when you want to “explode.” You'll see - it will help!

Take care of your mental balance

You are tired during the day. I would like to say: “leave me alone, let me rest.” Better do the following.

While you cook dinner or wash the dishes, play calm games with your baby, such as words. Or give him a piece of paper, pencils, and let him draw his mother, sitting next to him at the kitchen table.

Did you turn on the TV and lie down on the sofa? Draw with your baby. Play with dolls, construction sets, cars. Little is needed from you - just help, you can lie down. 20-30 minutes of quiet activities, and a satisfied child will go about his business, and you will have a little rest.

Come up with little joys for yourself. Understand what you enjoy. Maybe it's a big teddy bear to hug, or a walk in the park in the rain. Museum, dancing, fishing, flowers - make your list and treat yourself from time to time.

This will make everyone feel good, but the question of how to restrain yourself so as not to hit the child will leave you. Calm parents mean calm children.

Mistakes are part of life

Teach your children to this idea. Errors are an integral part of the learning process. Admit to yourself: “I beat my child.” Give him a hug and tell him straight out that you made a mistake. What to do? Ask for an opportunity to correct it. Children will understand that adults also make mistakes, but everything can be corrected. And then they will apply the same approach in another situation.

Some would argue that this is a long way to go. You can achieve something much faster if you use physical punishment from time to time.

But children remember the attitude towards them. Next time they will behave well not because they want to, but in order to avoid scolding from their parents, and not feel pushes and slaps. Or for a fee - toys, attractions, an extra hour on the computer.

And then they will give the same education, based on fear and profit, to their children.

Mothers often ask friends and specialists: “Why do I beat my older child, what should I do?” Because the little one is still weak and fragile, his parents don’t raise their hand to him. Bye. Later it will be his turn. In the meantime, the baby sees that the mother does not know how to restrain herself and not hit. He is happy with only one thing - good, I didn’t get it.

But this method will help to raise a weak creature who will try with all his might to avoid punishment, to be cunning, to dodge. A child whose parents don’t know how to stop yelling at a small child and hitting him on the bottom will begin to take revenge on his parents and take out his anger on those who are weaker (younger children, animals). Chain reaction. Therefore, physical violence is a dead end.

Target

Why can't we do something? Why do we know what is right, but cannot do it? What's the secret? Applying to many things, we can say that we are driven by laziness. But there is no laziness as a constant. That is, we can say that laziness is a myth. Let's say you are too lazy to go cook food. But when you realize that if you don’t go cook, you will simply die of hunger - you will go, and this is inevitable. This is a very crude example, but its essence is clear.

Then the thought of motivation comes. That she simply isn't strong enough to do anything. But we still call it a goal. It either exists or it doesn’t. And it moves us. It’s just that if this goal is not consciously set by us (if it moves us from within, from some instincts, for example, or we accept someone else’s goal as our own), then we may not even recognize it as a goal. But if we think about all the motives of our actions, then we can see this very goal or lack thereof. But you'll have to dig deep.

So, the goal of our negative communication with a child is the victory of the strong over the weak; proof to yourself and everyone around you of your power; elevating oneself by suppressing another.

This is difficult to admit, but if it works, and you understand that there is some truth in this, then you are halfway to victory. In order to change something, you need to find and recognize your own purpose. Which is so strong that it often moves us. Even if she is not very noble and beautiful.

We resist the child’s disobedience for several reasons: we resist it as an attack on our parental authority, on our parental authority. Observe your child’s behavior and look for the true motives that cause you negativity. If you are open and honest, you will understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with children’s behavior. Whether a child commits a bad or good deed, whether his behavior is bad or good - only we decide, depending on what responds in us to this or that behavior.

This leads to the second reason: compliance with the expectations of society. We want to correspond to him, this is important to us. We have been taught this by the assessment system in which we have all lived since childhood. And also the expectations of parents or other people that have been placed on us since childhood. We are already accustomed to the fact that we MUST meet expectations. We MUST not upset, not let down, etc.

We know that a child must behave in a certain way because society has accepted certain norms and rules. And if we are obliged to instill in children some norms, called morality, since these norms are correct and inviolable, then we can easily ignore others, imposed by society, but without any reasonable basis. There are many such imposed unreasonable norms: children are not allowed to make noise, scream, run, fool around, touch things in stores, jump on sofas, draw on walls, etc. But this is the very essence of a child! This is their joy, their energy, their whole life! But we cannot allow them to do this, because this is antisocial behavior for which we will be punished by society, punished by our own sense of shame. But for us, who are accustomed to conforming, this is truly scary.

But the children are not to blame for this. The fact is that we hang our problems on them. The fact that we shift from a sore head to a healthy one. For the sake of this conformity, so that we do not feel bad and ashamed, we are ready to traumatize children. This is unlikely to be very correct.

Standards of behavior in society are certainly important, and they need to be instilled in children. But it would be nice to find that line that will show WHAT at a given age a child can understand already at the level of real understanding, and what he just has to put up with.

Don’t hit, advises Dr. Komarovsky

He himself admitted that at least once, his children received a “soft spot.” Sometimes this is the only quick way to stop a little person from taking the wrong step. The main thing here is not to cause pain, but rather to stun the child, to protect him from, for example, throwing himself onto the road or hitting his mother.

To parents’ requests to help them, to teach them how to stop beating their children for disobedience, Komarovsky answers briefly: “Don’t touch them with your finger. Under no circumstances. Only in emergency cases, but it won’t hurt.”

So, put yourself in the place of a little person, look at the world through his eyes.
If you don’t succeed right away, try again and again until you can completely refuse physical punishment. 8 0.0 Published: Yesterday

Stop thinking for two

Learn to trust your child. Assign to him some of the responsibility that he can bear in accordance with his age. We often get angry at children's disobedience. But how often do we let our children feel the consequences of this disobedience?

(Here we are talking about those consequences that cannot harm the health and life of the child!)

Here's an example:

The mother of 14-year-old Mariana was constantly nervous that her daughter was taking so long to get ready for school. Every day she waited for her to give her a ride and was late for work. She swore at her daughter and was worried that she would miss classes. But one day she decided to give the child responsibility for this situation. She left for work without waiting for her daughter. Mariana missed classes without a good reason, receiving failures in all subjects (this was the system at school). As a result of this, she was not allowed to attend the dance evening - an important event for which the girl was really looking forward to and had been preparing for a long time. One could imagine her disappointment!

For Mariana, this was an experience that taught her much more than her mother's daily scream. Yes, it hurts parents to watch their children’s mistakes, failures, and insults. But this is the best way to maintain a warm relationship with your child and prepare him for adulthood.