The best we can give to our children
- is to teach them to love themselves (Louise Hay)
The purpose of education is
teach our children to do without us (Ernst Legouwe)
Hello, dear readers!
This article talks about the pitfalls in the path of education and training, which create the basis for quarrels and conflicts between parents and their children.
Very often parents of so-called “disobedient children” turn to me for psychological help.
Here are the typical questions they ask:
- We have a naughty child, what should we do, how can we cope with this situation, how can we make him obey and fulfill all our demands?
- Why does the child behave badly, cannot be controlled, and does not listen to our words and instructions at all?
- Why does a child often act up, make scenes, demonstrate his character and seem to be deliberately trying to do the opposite?
We noticed that in all these questions
parental egocentrism and authoritarianism manifests itself
– one word “force” is worth it!
The main message of these statements: “We are doing everything right, but he....!!!!”
For some reason, many adults believe that they cannot make mistakes.
That they are practically ideal parents.
Unfortunately, many of them suffer from the “best teacher in the world” star fever and do not notice that they make many mistakes in their attempts to “make a good person out of their child.”
I already wrote about this in the article:
Give your child neurosis: 10 rules...
This publication is its logical continuation.
In it we will look at the common mistakes of parents, which often lead to a dead end in their relationship with their children, and sometimes become one of the factors in their marriage falling apart at the seams.
I’ll immediately note that in talking about these mistakes, I will not be original, but will rely on the excellent book by Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter - “How to communicate with a child?”
So, …
Why doesn't the child listen?
The reason for children's disobedience lies in the developmental characteristics of the child. Firstly, when a child is born, he strives to learn and comprehend as much as possible: he is incredibly interested in why the iron is hot, what will happen if he pulls the plates off the table and what is hidden in the closet. And the fact that mom forbids studying the world makes it even more interesting and the desire to “mischief” flares up with renewed vigor.
Secondly, the process of child development does not occur gradually, but spasmodically, which provokes phenomena such as crises. The crisis manifests itself in a change in the child’s behavior, capriciousness, desire to be independent, and to contradict the will of adults. Such phenomena do not last long and pass as suddenly as they appear.
In childhood, psychologists identify several crises manifested by disobedience: the crisis of 1 year, 3, 5 and 7 years.
The baby in your family is not a creature that will one day grow up and become a person, he is already a person. And since each personality has its own character, zeal, desires and manners, it is completely unforgivable for parents to restrain these children’s impulses with various “don’ts.”
Let's go for a trick
When faced with the problem of children's disobedience, do not expect to find a universal, instantly working solution - it will take a lot of patience and various cunning tricks. By using your imagination, you will certainly come up with several ways to defuse the atmosphere in the family, and to get started, you can use proven tricks:
- Develop an interesting game in which the main prize will be an activity desired by the child - a trip to a water park, a trip to the cinema, an outing in nature. It’s important that the reward is the time spent together; a new toy just won’t do. Set a goal - to score a certain number of points in a week: give the little man points for good behavior, and deduct points for bad behavior, but fairly. Children are acutely worried about losing, losing their passion for the game, so if the points are not scored, but the child tried, he deserves a small incentive prize;
- Set aside dedicated time for communication. Let it be only a quarter of an hour, but every day. The child should know that he can come to you and ask all his questions, tell secrets, and share problems. The method allows you to kill two birds with one stone: the child stops being nervous, plus does not distract you during the day;
- Find something your child likes. Sometimes a child becomes nervous and disobedient from boredom. Enrolling in a dance club or sports section will help here. Having the opportunity to express himself and throw out energy, the baby will become calmer.
Some children are nervous and naughty by nature and are called hyperactive. Hyperactivity is a neurological diagnosis, it is made only by a doctor, who also prescribes drug therapy. If standard techniques do not work for your child, his condition causes you concern, visit a pediatric neurologist to confirm or refute your concerns.
What to do if a child does not obey at 2 years old?
If your two-year-old child completely refuses to listen to you, plays around endlessly and makes your life very difficult, then you need to first think about your own perception of the situation and your behavior. What does a parent do when a child rushes from corner to corner around the room, throws toys around and tears up books? The most common reaction of mom and dad in such situations is to scream. This is fundamentally wrong.
A child exploring the world does not understand the word “impossible.” After all, it is not justified by a reasonable explanation - he does not understand why it is impossible. If the baby does not respond to prohibitions, then perhaps there are too many of them, maybe the child encounters unfortunate taboos at every step?
In order to raise a child to be obedient and not break his will to understand the world, you should adhere to certain rules:
- never allow yourself to start screaming, much less using swear words - the child absorbs all your expressions like a sponge
- methods of physical punishment are an attribute of barbarians and people who know nothing about pedagogy - they should under no circumstances be resorted to
- always explain to the child why he is forbidden to do something (“Masha, you can’t touch the iron, because it’s hot, there will be a burn on the handle, which will hurt a lot”)
- make the child’s environment safe so that there is no need for prohibitions
- In each room, a child should have no more than three prohibitions
- try to demonstrate to your child the correct handling of things, then he will not use them at random
No recommendations and advice will help parents in the difficult process of raising a child if they do not take into account the fact that the child is an individual who requires proper treatment and respect for his desires. At the same time, it is important not to become objects of child manipulation and not to be led by a capricious child.
How to survive it
How to behave during this difficult time largely depends on the age of your beloved child. If he is only a year old, there is minimal hope of trying to reason with him through words. You will have to compensate with actions, up to and including “grabbing and carrying away.” It’s a completely different matter when we have a more conscientious and well-spoken disobedient child in front of us: 4 years is the age when you can enter into negotiations with a “criminal” and either explain the need to perform certain actions, or threaten with deprivation of any benefits.
Sometimes parents should take the path of least resistance, defining for themselves a clear boundary that cannot be crossed, and understand what they can give up on. There is no need to “fight to death” over every trifle: this will only fray the nerves of both yourself and the child. A parent driven into a frenzy is more likely to do stupid things that they will later regret, so in some matters it is better to go with the flow.
If a crisis is accompanied by aggression, it makes sense to take a break in relationships with peers and go for a walk together. Doesn't want to eat porridge? Please let him sit hungry. Want to argue? Let him argue. The parent's position in this case should be friendly, but reinforced concrete.
And you don't have to worry about how ugly the scene looks from the outside. Most often, it is the inexperienced people (and therefore the ones who know best how best to raise children) who, when they see a baby bursting with roars, think: “God, poor baby!” Those who have been in their parents’ shoes often think completely differently: “Oh, poor mother!” And, in the end, the opinion of others should least of all influence the process of education, in which consistency plays the main role: if something cannot be done when the children are at home, it should not be allowed even when they are out for a walk.
What to do if a 5-year-old child does not obey?
Disobedience of a child at 5 years old is an indicator that the educational work of parents is carried out poorly. After all, if the whims of a one-year-old baby are determined by natural rhythms and the specifics of development, then a five-year-old child in his behavior fully shows the shortcomings of the educational process - he behaves as he was taught or provoked.
This age is characterized by the fact that the child learns about the world in the form of games, which now become role-playing or group games. Children as young as 5 years old can figure out what to play and how to play, and they can use all available means in their game, from kitchen utensils to cosmetics and household chemicals that are completely unsuitable for play.
The game should not be neglected for pedagogical purposes. On the one hand, a child playing independently is very convenient for the mother, but on the other hand, the gameplay can be used for educational purposes.
While playing with your baby, tell him about the world, about the rules of behavior, about how not to behave. In such an easy and unobtrusive form, the child will learn the rules and prohibitions much better than from endless screaming and punishment.
If a child indulges too much, an effective method of behavior correction can be an interesting hobby with which the mother will fill his idleness. Invite your little one to help you in the kitchen by giving him some “important”, safe and easy-to-perform task.
Praise the child for the work done and encourage him. In addition, fairy tales that give examples of bad and good deeds will help calm down a naughty child.
It is very important when talking to a five-year-old child to show him respect and communicate as equals.
Don’t emphasize that you are an adult and he is small and stupid. Discuss his problems, talk about what the child likes and dislikes, but do not use words about what the child is wrong and does wrong - help him do it right and tell him what is best. The baby will be very pleased that they speak to him like an adult and understand him.
Child plays with the same toy
This happens very often; in childhood, everyone had favorite shabby hares and broken dolls, but sometimes affection goes beyond all reasonable limits.
The child eats, sleeps and bathes with her, without being separated for a minute. The role of a “fetish” can also be played by another object, a book, for example. My friends’ daughter was tied to a small pillow, only on it could she fall asleep, and if on any of the trips they forgot to take the pillow, then the time spent on the trip was tantamount to a disaster.
Most likely, the child associates some pleasant, calming emotions with these “precious” objects, which their memory carefully preserves. And perhaps the eyes of a toy bear are very similar to the eyes of your beloved dad
