Crisis of 5 years in a child❗️: how it manifests itself☘️, advice to parents( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)

A child reaches the age of 5 years, and strange things begin to happen to him: he cries for no reason, shows aggression towards family members, or completely withdraws into himself. Parents should not panic about difficulties in communicating with their child; this is a normal crisis in the child’s behavior, one of the stages of adolescence. Adults need to be patient and give the baby maximum attention and care.

So, a child’s 5-year-old crisis: how it manifests itself, advice to parents

Physiological and psychological characteristics of five-year-old children

A five-year-old child enters the next stage of his physiological and psychological development. His bones, spine and almost all organs are still forming. Among physiologists, the age of 5–7 years is known as the period of “first extension” - in just 8–12 months, children can grow by 7–8, and sometimes 10 cm.

During this same period, the child’s physical activity also increases. In order for muscles to develop harmoniously, it is necessary to provide the preschooler with the opportunity to splash out energy somewhere for health benefits. Significant changes also occur in the psyche (the preschooler strives to control his behavior), in self-esteem and self-awareness.

Crisis 5 years: causes and symptoms

At the age of 5-6, a child strives to grow up - this is the main cause of the crisis. For now, he can only imitate adults. Trying to copy the behavior of older family members, carefully observing them, he is faced with the impossibility of fulfilling his desires at the moment. Psychologists also include the following reasons for the crisis:

For some children, the 5-year crisis is asymptomatic and almost unnoticeable to others. However, much more often, parents notice sudden changes in the child’s behavior. In most cases, the main symptom is aggression - the baby is stubborn, constantly dissatisfied with something, irritable, rude and disobedient. Some children, on the contrary, become silent, withdrawn and apathetic.

How to help a child overcome a critical period?

It is difficult for a child to cope with the critical period on his own. Of course, obvious attempts at control on the part of parents, and even more so threats, scandals, and assault, will only aggravate the situation and can destroy mutual understanding in the family for a long time (or even forever). You cannot ignore a child either - you can help him only if you sincerely believe in him and continue to give your love.

More confidence and independence!

Excessive care is harmful for a preschooler experiencing this crisis. Parents will have to trust in his ability to independently solve some problems and perform actions without the help of adults. If mom and dad don’t want the child to grow up uninitiated and weak-willed in the future, it’s time to give him the opportunity to be independent, an adult - and therefore responsible:

adults have responsibilities, let the baby have them too (along with rewards for conscientious performance and penalties - moderately strict - for neglecting them);
mom and dad can ask for help from the child as an equal member of the family;
all prohibitions and restrictions, as well as incentives, must be clear to the child: he must know that he is being punished for a reason, parents need to explain in detail the reasons and talk about the cause-and-effect relationship between the offense and punishment;
You can offer help to your child, but you cannot force it - if he refuses, you need to leave him alone.

Channel your imagination into a peaceful direction

Wild imagination is not bad if you find a worthy use for it. You should not lock your child within four walls. The best “medicine” at this age is a variety of clubs and sections. They will help the child throw out excess energy (and aggression), use his imagination and feel his own importance. In addition, sections are a great place to meet people and start friendships.

Discipline is not the last thing

Permissiveness is not the best tactic. If a child of 5–6 years old shows disobedience, you need to talk to him, discuss the inadmissibility of his behavior, but in no case ignore him. The child must realize that the world is more complex than it seems to him, and you cannot just grow up overnight and communicate with your parents in an aggressive manner. If you don't do this now, the crisis will return later - in adolescence.

The famous children's doctor E. Komarovsky also does not ignore the problem of the crisis of five years and children's disobedience in general. Advice from a specialist on correcting a child’s behavior primarily concerns his parents. It is important for mom and dad to show unanimity in educational matters - if the father has forbidden, the mother should not allow, and vice versa.

You can't be led by hysterics. If the baby understands that he can achieve what he wants with tears, then over time this will turn into his main trump card. Punishments for offenses must meet the main conditions - justification (he must understand why he is being punished), calmness (screaming and spanking is not the way to convince a child, this is how parents “blow off steam”) and timeliness (you need to punish immediately or never).

Early childhood crises are a kind of leap in development, a child’s transition to a new level of mental interaction with the world. Growing up does not happen in one day, so there is no clear boundary when a child begins to understand himself as a whole, as a person, his gender, race and age. Psychologists have conventionally designated the boundaries of childhood crises: 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 7 years. At this time, it is necessary to monitor the child’s behavior and correct it in accordance with the moral standards accepted in society, while not forgetting to ensure the safety of his life and health.

How to behave with a child at 6 years old?

If your child has not yet started school by the age of 6, you need to mentally prepare him for it. Your task is to tell him how to behave correctly at school, what daily routine awaits him. If you have the opportunity, you can introduce your child to his future teacher. Show him which route is best to get to school.

Show interest in the child’s life, his clubs, school and everything that the child likes

If your child is already attending school, do not forget to praise him for good grades and new achievements. Let him see that you are proud of him and do not doubt his abilities. Ask him with interest how the next day at school went, what new things did he learn in class? Let's give an adequate assessment of his actions. If it seems to you that the baby couldn’t cope with something, gently tell him about it. In the future, the child will try to avoid such mistakes.

Discuss with your child the possibility of visiting a club that interests him or any sports section. At this time, the baby strives for new knowledge, he pays special attention to the educational process. It is important for him to know that he is doing important things and to feel that those around him need him. Children who are active, excel in sports, or have other talents earn respect in the eyes of their peers. During a crisis, it is very important for a child to communicate and maintain friendships with peers.

Parents are obliged to provide their child with support and assistance in self-affirmation as an individual. Consider his opinion and choice. Give him a little more freedom. If parents behave correctly, then the difficult period for the child will pass easily and quickly.

Age crises in children

The first crisis in babies begins from the moment they begin to crawl or walk, i.e. move freely, reach dangerous objects. So the child is faced with restrictions, which naturally causes an unconscious protest in him. Without fully understanding why you can’t put your fingers in a socket or throw glass plates on the floor, he will do it his own way, and physical punishment will only worsen the problem, and the baby will be afraid of you. A child’s one-year crisis can pass unnoticed if the baby is in your field of vision all the time, show him how fire “bites” and that the mug is hot. At a certain stage, the child will try to manipulate you, for example, in order to get his favorite toy, he will fight in hysterics. If you do not react calmly, you will find yourself in his cunning “paws.”

The 3-year-old crisis begins when the baby tells you for the first time: “I do it myself!” It is at this time that he begins to realize himself as a person, to identify himself with children of approximately the same age. Give your baby more freedom, let him get ready for a walk, give him the opportunity to wash the dishes, don’t push him away from everyday activities that you can do together. At this age, a child cannot be prohibited; he must be given the opportunity to choose. For example, if he doesn’t like porridge for breakfast, but you must provide him with adequate nutrition, throw in a phrase for reflection: “What kind of porridge will you have today: semolina or rice?”

The most multifaceted is the crisis of 5 years in children, when they completely copy the behavior of adults and abandon their usual activities. The baby will surreptitiously observe you and your relationship with your spouse, and when communicating with others, copy him in small things, phrases and details. Children 5 years old love to spy on adults and eavesdrop on their “adult” conversations. Children become less emotional, they suppress tears during punishment, thereby showing the full extent of their maturation. It happens that they flirt to such an extent that their behavior changes beyond recognition.

Psychologists say that a 5-year-old crisis occurs in children only when there is friction in the relationship between parents, if they are too emotional about family problems, bringing them out into the open.

Children show us who we really are, so the crisis of five-year-olds can be called, to the fullest extent, a family one.

Admit to yourself that your child is no longer 3 years old, and he is able to express his feelings, thoughts, he can already control his behavior. Give him time and space so that he can move to the next level of communication with you!

Do not pay attention to whims, antics and adult behavior. If you don’t concentrate on this, don’t be touched by a “funny” child in the company of other adults, such behavior will not become the norm. At this age, children manifest the character that is given to us from birth. He can become secretive, flexible, open, irritable, shy, etc. Accept these changes while respecting your child's differences.

The process of education involves influence, and this is nothing more than aggression. The child cannot be lectured, you need to have conversations with him and make decisions together, giving him the right to choose - this will increase his self-esteem and make it possible to really quickly move on to the school period.

You should not interfere in the affairs of a child if he does not ask for help. It will be much more pleasant for him to please you with the result of his work. Little by little, delegate authority with interrogative sentences, but not with orders: “Can you help me wash the floor?”, “Could you wipe the dust off the flowers yourself?”, “I don’t have time, will you put the toys in a box?” Don't be afraid that your child will refuse you. If this happens, it’s okay, try again, start doing it yourself, and your child will definitely join in the joint activity.

You should not be overprotective, because this way your baby will never become independent and, especially, an adult who will be responsible for his actions and words. Just love him, praise him for what he has done, take an interest in his affairs and enjoy every new day spent together.

The crisis of 5 years in a child is a period of whims, hysterics, aggression and isolation of the child. Not only the child himself faces difficulties, but also parents, who often do not know how to behave during this difficult period of time.

A five-year-old child differs from other children of other ages in the following features:

Distinguishes between “good” and “bad”, “right” and “wrong”, “true” and “false”.
He makes attempts to apply adult logic, but so far he has not succeeded.
She loves games and fiction: during the game she can turn into a princess, prince, dragon, pony, soldier and other incredible characters.
Loves the company of children of the same sex as himself.
He really needs the praise and approval of adults and peers.
Strives to be the best among his peers.
Defines his own standards and tries to meet them.
Able to tease and offend children who do not meet the invented standards.

In order for the crisis to pass more easily, close adults need to be patient and sensitive to the child’s internal problems and contradictions.

Diet of a five year old child

The child's growth begins to slow down when compared with the first years of life. Therefore, the need for high-calorie food disappears, but food with fats and protein, on the contrary, becomes necessary. The daily calorie intake should be 2000 calories. Proteins and fats in the diet should be equal. This nutritional system will not overload the body, and at the same time, the feeling of hunger will disappear for a long time. It is also worth paying attention to the presence of fruits and vegetables in the diet; it is better that they are in season. The characteristics of a child’s diet must be taken into account to ensure that his digestive system is healthy, which also affects personality development.

Why does a child have a 5th year crisis?

At the age of 5, a child is very strongly overcome by one desire - to be an adult. From this desire and aspiration flow all the symptoms and causes of the crisis:

Parents and relatives of the baby need to be patient and create comfortable living conditions for him. Don’t rush to register your child with a psychologist; try to cope with the crisis yourself - strangers will only aggravate the complexity of this difficult period.

The crisis of five years in children can begin suddenly and end in the same way. Its duration depends on the individual characteristics of the child: from several weeks to a year. The process can occur almost imperceptibly, and sometimes strong changes in the psyche and character of the child are visible. The task of parents during a crisis is to surround the baby with care, affection, attention and love.

Signs of crisis in a 5 year old child

Parents should know the features of a difficult period in order to provide the necessary support to their offspring in a timely manner. Symptoms of a crisis in five-year-old children manifest themselves as follows:

The child withdraws into himself, begins to talk less, shares his emotions, successes and achievements with you, although he has always done this.
Your offspring refuses to obey adults and shows disobedience.
The baby has become very timid, insecure and fearful; he seeks to hide from everything new and unknown to him.
The child is irritated and angry almost all the time, and is rude to adults and peers for no reason.
The baby is hysterical for no reason, cries over trifles and is capricious all day long.
The child makes faces, behaves and angrily copies adults.
The kid fantasizes a lot, tells everyone made-up stories, passing them off as true.
The child moves a lot and gets tired quickly, is easily excitable and very emotional, although he has not been noticed in this before.
Your offspring declares that he wants more freedom and independence, refuses to go out together, explaining this by his “maturity.”
The kid strives to do everything the other way around and to spite the adults, even if it is to his detriment.
Your offspring has become very stubborn and stands his ground to the end - it is important for him to be taken into account.
Constant dissatisfaction with everything and everyone.
Seeks to dictate to everyone what to do and how to be. In his opinion, this is what adults do, and he really wants to be “big.”

Important

Understand and accept the main thing - the crisis of 5 years in children is a given that cannot be avoided. And only in your hands is the opportunity to make life as easy as possible for your baby and yourself, based on the experience of child psychology specialists and parents who have already encountered this problem.

What's good about a five-year-old's crisis?

Against the background of unbalanced behavior, it is during the crisis of five years that the child shows all his inclinations and strengths, which can help determine in which direction the baby should develop.

If your child is busy with modeling, dancing, playing musical instruments, sports, drawing, singing, then the crisis is experienced without much difficulty. Children who have something to do know what they are striving for, are passionate about interesting things and tasks, and are, in fact, engaged in building the foundation of their future success.

Of course, no one guarantees you that your child will become a great musician or athlete, but all the knowledge, skills and abilities acquired at the age of five will certainly become part of the child’s personality and will help him to realize himself. Try not to miss the moment and help your child find himself in a useful and enjoyable activity.

A five-year-old baby, whose energy has been directed in the right direction, overcomes his age crisis with ease and benefit. Developed abilities at a tender age will help him in his youth to be head and shoulders above his peers: rationally make plans for life, set goals for himself and achieve them.

How to deal with a child’s 5th year crisis: advice from psychologists

Manifestations of crisis in five-year-old children in the form of hysterics, whims and isolation can be minimized by using the following general tips:

Try to find out the reason for the child’s bad mood or his secrecy.
After finding out the reason, offer your child a solution to the problem and implement your plan together.
Create the most comfortable and tranquil environment in your home.
Don't give free rein to your emotions - your irritation can lead to catastrophic consequences.
Always remain calm, even during your child's tantrums. You can only control the situation with your balance.
Try to encourage all your baby's initiatives and endeavors. Ask him what he is thinking and what he wants. You will be amazed at your child's creative thinking and creative responses.
Challenge yourself: study with your child, read more books, sign up for accounting or calligraphy courses. The more you develop, the more your baby will benefit from it. And in joint development, the childhood crisis will pass unnoticed for both you and your offspring.
Become a fan of your little one's talents. Celebrate what he already knows and help him strive for new knowledge and skills. Focus not on possible crisis whims and hysterics, but on the child’s successes and endeavors.

The crisis of five years in a child is a test of the strength of parental nerves. Don't break your relationship with your baby by losing his trust. Strive for mutual understanding under any circumstances and even in the most reckless behavior of your child.

What should parents do?

Try to spend as much time as possible with your baby: be interested in his affairs, talk about yours, talk about important and trivial topics.
All your actions concerning the child must be explained to him. It is important for a five-year-old to feel important, and explanations will convince him that you treat him like an adult.
Talk with your child more often about “what is good and what is bad.” This is especially important in cases where the baby shows aggression or fights.
Ask your child for help, even if these matters are insignificant - this is necessary so that your offspring feels “needed”.
Ask your child for advice, show him that you treat him as an equal.
Play more with your child, allow yourself to plunge into childhood.
Entrust your offspring with some duties. Over time, increase the number of duties and responsibilities.
Give your child the opportunity to be a little more free, do not patronize him too much.
Offer your help and support to the baby, but do not impose.
Avoid harsh words and actions towards your child. Always have an alternative proposal prepared.
Praise your offspring more often, even over trifles.
Don't focus on your child's antics; it will go away over time.
Give your child the opportunity to find himself and get more impressions: take him to exhibitions, museums, art galleries, circuses, theaters. Explain what you saw, discuss his impressions with him and share yours.

Remember that any energy needs an outlet. Excessive activity can find its application in sports sections: swimming, football, dancing, tennis, badminton, karate, fencing, rhythmic gymnastics. Experiences associated with age-related characteristics will fade into the background, as the child will meet new people and strive for success in the business in which he is busy.

Try to teach your child to formulate his own opinion, convince others, logically build a chain of arguments, and justify his desires. The ability to competently express your thoughts and desires will help your baby communicate in a civilized manner with you and others. Screams, hysterical demands, mooing, angry silence, ignoring the requests of adults - all this will disappear into oblivion as soon as the child learns to speak correctly and give reasons in his favor.
It is important to keep your child busy all the time and not get bored. Help him find himself, make his life richer. If he doesn’t have a lot of time, unnecessary thoughts and reasons for irritation and withdrawal will not come to his mind. The sooner a child finds a suitable activity for himself, the better he will survive the current crisis and subsequent ones.

During a crisis, a good parental example is very important for five-year-old children. Become a friend and role model for your child, and the difficult period will seem less long and difficult.

What should parents not do?

During the crisis period of a five-year-old child, experts categorically prohibit the following:

Screams, scandals, humiliation and physical abuse of the child.
Rudeness, anger and careless attitude towards a child. If you cannot control yourself, then parents are advised to visit a psychologist.
Use phrases like “You’re bothering me”, “Go away/go away”, “You don’t know how to do anything”, etc.
Intrude, lecture, lecture, emphasize the child’s age and lack of any skills.
Connivance with obvious aggression and inappropriate behavior of your offspring.
The situation needs to be corrected gently, without hysterics and assault.
Slow down if you see that the baby needs help. Put everything aside and take care of your offspring's problems immediately.
Ignore your child and put your needs before his.

What should you not do?

Unfortunately, parents sometimes lose patience and raise their voices at their children. This is useless: talk calmly, softly, but persistently. Give logical arguments.
Physical violence is unacceptable. Eliminate even spanking and other “harmless” touching.
Don't take your anger out on your child. Are you feeling tired? Find another way to get rid of negativity.
Don't punish with indifference. If you see that your child has said something rude, but cannot cope with the problem without you, come and help him. Responsibility always lies with the adult.
Don't leave in trouble. The child must be sure that his parents are always ready to help - this is the basis of psychological comfort.
Don't scold for no reason. Express dissatisfaction correctly, be sure to emphasize why this or that action upset you.
Don't focus on children's lies. Offer to imagine together, write a story or draw a picture with fictional characters.
Avoid suffocating guardianship. Give your child a chance to develop freely, without pressure and external control. Show that you already trust him in many matters.
Don’t brush it off with the words “You’re doing your nonsense again.” Find time to listen, sympathize, give advice.
Don't worry too much. Every family goes through crises when their children grow up. When the unpleasant period is over, you will appreciate the fruits of patience and proper upbringing.

Important

Become the support and center of the universe for your five-year-old child, at least during the crisis. Be softer, play with him more, have fun, try to live in the thoughts of your baby. Show your child that nothing and no one is more important to you, and no “adult” things can replace the hours of communication with him.

Is your child 5 years old and has turned from an obedient toddler into an uncontrollable capricious demon?

Or, on the contrary, have you withdrawn into yourself and are afraid of simple things?

Then we can say with confidence that this is a 5-year-old crisis in children.

How to cope with this period in a child’s life without consequences for him, and while preserving the nerve cells of the parents?

Advice from a psychologist will answer this question.

By the age of 5, children have already mastered speech quite well and can communicate freely.

They observe with great interest the lives of adults, especially their parents, and begin to imitate them.

Often for this purpose, spying and eavesdropping on their lives.

There is a desire to be adults and independent. “I’ll do it myself” is their favorite phrase at this age.

But, naturally, a five-year-old child cannot be the same as an adult.

That's why a crisis comes - desires do not coincide with reality.

The child is full of disappointment, which is why he gets angry, behaves unbalanced and aggressively.

Also, during this period, children strive to communicate more with their peers, but this does not always work out.

Thinking abilities are also already developed at a good level.

A set of individual character traits begins to manifest itself most clearly.

The development of the brain is in full swing, so there are more emotions.

At this stage, the baby will have to learn to control and express his feelings. You should be patient until your child masters this art completely.

The concept of difference between the sexes comes. The child is trying to recognize himself as a person of a certain gender. Because of this, he becomes withdrawn.

Children begin to express their own opinions about the world around them.

Often this opinion is accompanied by a fair dose of fantasy. They can even come up with whole stories and life plots.

The baby begins to identify himself as an individual.

But not all thoughts and emotions can yet be explained. This leads to whims and hysterics.

In other words, this is a period of rapid development of the baby.

Many new interests and hobbies appear. And it happens that the baby cannot cope with the load.

All these character traits become the causes of a crisis at the age of five.

Children's fears from 5 to 7 years

Authors : Zakharov A. I.

One of the characteristic features of senior preschool age, as already noted, is the intensive development of abstract thinking, the ability to generalize, classify, understand the categories of time and space, and search for answers to the questions: “Where did everything come from?”, “Why do people live?” At this age, the experience of interpersonal relationships is formed, based on the child’s ability to accept and play roles, anticipate and plan the actions of another, understand his feelings and intentions. Relationships with people become more flexible, versatile and at the same time purposeful. A system of values (value orientations), a sense of home, kinship, and an understanding of the importance of family for procreation are formed.

Until the age of 5, boys can solemnly declare to their mother their desire to marry her when they grow up, and girls can marry their father. From 5 to 8 years old, they “get married” or “get married” mainly to peers, thus reproducing in a play situation the form of adult relationships. In general, children of senior preschool age are characterized by sociability and the need for friendship. There is a noticeable predominance in the kindergarten group of communication with peers of the same sex, acceptance among whom is essential for self-affirmation and adequate self-esteem. 6-year-old children have already developed an understanding that in addition to good, kind and sympathetic parents, there are also bad ones. The bad ones are not only those who treat the child unfairly, but also those who quarrel and cannot find agreement among themselves. We find reflection in the typical age-related fears of devils as violators of social rules and established foundations, and at the same time as representatives of the other world.

Obedient children who have experienced the age-specific feeling of guilt when violating rules and regulations in relation to authority figures that are significant to them are more susceptible to the fear of devils. At the age of 5, transient obsessive repetitions of “indecent” words are characteristic; at the age of 6, children are overcome by anxiety and doubts about their future: “What if I won’t be beautiful?”, “What if no one will marry me?”, in a 7-year-old - there is suspiciousness: “Won’t we be late?”, “Will we go?”, “Will you buy it?”

Age-related manifestations of obsession, anxiety and suspiciousness themselves go away in children if parents are cheerful, calm, self-confident, and also if they take into account the individual and gender characteristics of their child.

Punishment for inappropriate language should be avoided by patiently explaining its inappropriateness and at the same time providing additional opportunities to relieve nervous tension in the game. Establishing friendly relations with children of the opposite sex also helps, and this cannot be done without the help of parents. Children's anxious expectations are dispelled by calm analysis, authoritative explanation and persuasion. With regard to suspiciousness, the best thing is not to reinforce it, to switch the child’s attention, to run with him, to play, to cause physical fatigue, and to constantly express firm confidence in the certainty of the events taking place.

As already mentioned, the parent of the same sex enjoys exceptional authority among older preschoolers. He is imitated in everything, including habits, behavior and style of relationship with a parent of the opposite sex, who is still loved. In a similar way, a model of family relationships is established. Note that emotionally warm relationships with both parents are possible only in the absence of conflict between adults, since at this age children, especially girls, are very sensitive to relationships in the family (as well as to the attitude of other people significant to them).

The authority of the parent of the same sex is reduced due to behavior that is emotionally unacceptable for the child and the inability to stabilize the situation in the family. Then, in the imaginary game “Family,” children, especially girls, are less likely to choose the role of a parent of the same sex; there is no desire to do everything like “dad” or “mom.” They try to be only themselves or choose the role of a parent of the other sex, which in both cases is atypical in older preschool age. If, for various reasons, in childhood there are problems, friction, and conflicts in relationships with a parent of the same sex, then this contributes to the emergence of problems, friction, and conflicts in raising one’s own children. So, if a girl experienced the authoritarian influence of her mother in childhood, then, having become a mother herself, she will be emphatically strict and principled with the child in some way, which will cause him to have a reaction of protest or neurotic disorders.

A boy who was not the Son of the Father in childhood, deprived of his positive influence, may not become the Father of the Son and pass on to him his adequate experience of gender-role behavior and protection from everyday dangers and fears. In addition, parental divorce in children of older preschool age has a greater adverse effect on boys than on girls. The lack of influence of the father in the family or his absence can most complicate in boys the formation of gender-appropriate communication skills with peers, cause self-doubt, a feeling of powerlessness and doom in the face of, albeit imaginary, danger that fills the consciousness.

So, a 6-year-old boy from a single-parent family (his father left after a divorce) was terrified of the Serpent Gorynych. “He breathes - that’s all,” - this is how he explained his fear. By “everything” he meant death. No one knows when the Serpent Gorynych may arrive, rising from the depths of his subconscious, but it is clear that he can suddenly capture the imagination of a boy defenseless in front of him and paralyze his will to resist. The presence of a constant imaginary threat indicates a lack of psychological defense, not formed due to the lack of adequate influence from the father. The boy does not have a defender who could kill the Serpent Gorynych, and from whom he could take an example, like the fabulous Ilya of Muromets.

Or let us cite the case of a 5-year-old boy who was afraid of “everything in the world”, was helpless and at the same time declared: “I am like a man.” He owed his infantility to his anxious and overprotective mother, who wanted to have a girl and did not take into account his desire for independence in the first years of his life. The boy was drawn to his father and strived to be like him in everything. But the father was removed from upbringing by an overbearing mother, who blocked all his attempts to exert any influence on her son. The inability to identify with the role of a squeezed and unauthoritative father in the presence of a restless and overprotective mother is a family situation that contributes to the destruction of activity and self-confidence in boys.

One day we noticed a confused, shy and timid 7-year-old boy who could not draw a whole family, despite our request. He drew either himself or his father separately, not realizing that both his mother and his older sister should be in the picture. He also could not choose the role of father or mother in the game and become himself in it. The impossibility of identification with the father and his low authority were caused by the fact that the father constantly came home drunk and immediately went to bed. He was one of the men who “lived behind the closet”—inconspicuous, quiet, disconnected from family problems and not involved in raising children. The boy could not be himself, since his domineering mother, having suffered defeat with his father leaving her influence, tried to take revenge in the fight for her son, who, according to her, was in every way like her despised husband and was just as harmful , lazy, stubborn. It must be said that the son was unwanted, and this constantly affected the mother’s attitude towards him, who was strict towards the emotionally sensitive boy, endlessly reprimanding and punishing him. In addition, she overprotected her son, kept him under constant control and stopped any manifestations of independence. It is not surprising that he soon became “harmful” in his mother’s mind, because he was trying to somehow express himself, and to her this reminded her of his father’s previous activity. This is precisely what frightened the mother, who does not tolerate any disagreement, seeking to impose her will and subjugate everyone. She, like the Snow Queen, sat on a throne of principles, commanding, pointing, emotionally unavailable and cold, not understanding the spiritual needs of her son and treating him like a servant. The husband started drinking at one time as a sign of protest, defending himself from his wife with “alcoholic non-existence.” In a conversation with the boy, we discovered not only age-related fears, but also many fears coming from previous age, including punishment from the mother, darkness, loneliness and confined space. The fear of loneliness was most pronounced, and this is understandable. He has no friend or protector in his family; he is an emotional orphan with living parents.

Unjustified severity, cruelty of the father in relations with children, physical punishment, ignoring spiritual needs and self-esteem also lead to fears. As we have seen, forced or conscious substitution of the male role in the family by a mother who is domineering in nature not only does not contribute to the development of self-confidence in boys, but also leads to the emergence of lack of independence, dependence, and helplessness, which are fertile ground for the proliferation of fears, inhibiting activity and interfering with self-affirmation . If such a boy, growing up, marries and becomes a father, then he often does not experience paternal feelings for his son, does not understand his boyish needs, does not actively participate in the life of the family (similar to how the father behaved in his time) and often passes on your unresolved fears for the child.

In the absence of identification with the mother, girls may also lose self-confidence. But unlike boys, they become more anxious than fearful. If, moreover, a girl cannot express love for her father, then cheerfulness decreases, and anxiety is supplemented by suspiciousness, which leads in adolescence to a depressive shade of mood, a feeling of worthlessness, uncertainty of feelings and desires.

Children aged 5-7 are often afraid of terrible dreams and death in their sleep. Moreover, the very fact of awareness of death as an irreparable misfortune, the cessation of life, occurs most often in a dream: “I was walking in the zoo, approached a lion’s cage, and the cage was open, the lion rushed at me and ate me” (reflection associated with the fear of death, fears attacks and animals in a 6-year-old girl), “I was swallowed by a crocodile” (6-year-old boy). The symbol of death is the omnipresent Baba Yaga, who in a dream chases children, catches them and throws them into the stove (in which the fear of fire, associated with the fear of death, is refracted). Often in a dream, children of this age may dream of separation from their parents, due to the fear of their disappearance and loss. Such a dream precedes the fear of the death of parents at primary school age.

Thus, at 5-7 years old, dreams reproduce present, past (Baba Yaga) and future fears. Indirectly, this indicates that older preschool age children are most saturated with fears. Scary dreams also reflect the nature of the attitude of parents and adults towards children: “I go up the stairs, stumble, start falling down the steps and just can’t stop, and my grandmother, as luck would have it, takes out the newspapers and can’t do anything,” says the girl 7 years old, given to the care of a restless and sick grandmother.

A 6-year-old boy, who has a strict father who prepares him for school, told us his dream: “I’m walking down the street and I see Koschey the Immortal coming towards me, he takes me to school and asks the problem: “What is 2+2? » Well, of course, I immediately woke up and asked my mother how much 2+2 would be, fell asleep again and answered Koshchei that it would be 4″. The fear of making a mistake haunts the child even in his sleep, and he seeks support from his mother.

The leading fear of older preschool age is the fear of death. Its occurrence means awareness of the irreversibility in space and time of age-related changes. The child begins to understand that growing up at some stage marks death, the inevitability of which causes anxiety as an emotional rejection of the rational need to die. One way or another, for the first time the child feels that death is an inevitable fact of his biography. As a rule, children themselves cope with such experiences, but only if there is a cheerful atmosphere in the family, if parents do not talk endlessly about illnesses, about the fact that someone has died and something can happen to him (the child) too . If the child is already restless, then worries of this kind will only increase the age-related fear of death.

Fear of death is a kind of moral and ethical category, indicating a certain maturity of feelings, their depth, and therefore is most pronounced in emotionally sensitive and impressionable children, who also have the ability for abstract, abstract thinking. The fear of death is relatively more common in girls, which is associated with a more pronounced instinct of self-preservation in them, compared to boys. But in boys, there is a more tangible connection between the fear of death of themselves and subsequently of their parents with the fears of strangers, unfamiliar faces, starting from 8 months of life, that is, a boy who is afraid of other people will be more susceptible to the fear of death than a girl who does not have such a sharp oppositions. According to correlation analysis, fear of death is closely related to fears of attack, darkness, fairy-tale characters (more active at 3-5 years old), illness and death of parents (older age), creepy dreams, animals, elements, fire, fire and war .

The last 6 fears are most typical for older preschool age. They, like those previously listed, are motivated by a threat to life, directly or indirectly. An attack by someone (including animals), as well as illness, can result in irreparable misfortune, injury, or death. The same applies to storm, hurricane, flood, earthquake, fire, fire and war as immediate threats to life. This justifies our definition of fear as an affectively sharpened instinct of self-preservation.

Under unfavorable life circumstances, the fear of death contributes to the intensification of many associated fears. Thus, a 7-year-old girl, after the death of her beloved hamster, became whiny, touchy, stopped laughing, could not watch or listen to fairy tales, because she cried bitterly out of pity for the characters and could not calm down for a long time. The main thing was that she was terrified of dying in her sleep, like a hamster, so she could not fall asleep alone, experiencing spasms in her throat from excitement, attacks of suffocation and frequent urges to go to the toilet. Remembering how her mother once said in her hearts: “It would be better for me to die,” the girl began to fear for her life, as a result of which the mother was forced to sleep with her daughter.

As we see, the incident with the hamster occurred precisely at the age maximum of the fear of death, actualized it and led to an exorbitant growth in the impressionable girl’s imagination.

At one of the receptions we observed a capricious and stubborn, according to his mother, a 6-year-old boy who would not be left alone, could not stand darkness and heights, was afraid of being attacked, of being kidnapped, of getting lost in the crowd. He was afraid of bears and wolves even in pictures and because of this he could not watch children's programs. We received complete information about his fears from conversations and games with the boy himself, since for his mother he was just a stubborn child who did not obey her orders - to sleep, not to whine and to control himself. By analyzing his fears, we wanted to understand what motivated them. They did not specifically ask about the fear of death, so as not to draw unnecessary attention to it, but this fear could be unmistakably “calculated” from the complex of associated fears of darkness, closed space, heights and animals.

In the dark, as in a crowd, you can disappear, dissolve, disappear; height implies the danger of falling; a wolf can bite, and a bear can crush. Consequently, all these fears meant a concrete threat to life, irreversible loss and disappearance of oneself. Why was the boy so afraid to disappear? Firstly, the father left the family a year ago, disappearing, in the child’s mind, forever, since the mother did not allow him to meet. But something similar happened before, when a mother with an anxious and suspicious character overprotected her son and tried in every possible way to prevent the influence of a decisive father on him. However, after the divorce, the child became more unstable in behavior and capricious, at times hyperexcitable “for no reason,” was afraid of being attacked, and stopped being left alone. Soon other fears began to sound in full force. Secondly, he has already “disappeared” as a boy, turned into a defenseless and timid creature without gender. His mother had, in her own words, boyish behavior as a child, and even now she considered her being female to be an annoying misunderstanding. Like most such women, she passionately wanted to have a daughter, rejecting her son's boyish character traits and not accepting him as a boy. She expressed her credo once and for all like this: “I don’t like boys at all!” In general, this means that she does not like all male representatives, since she considers herself a “man”, and also earns more than her ex-husband. Immediately after marriage, she, as an “emancipated” woman, launched an irreconcilable struggle for her “feminine dignity” and for the right to have sole control over the family. But the husband also claimed a similar role in the family, so a struggle began between the spouses. When the father saw the futility of his attempts to influence his son, he left the family. It was when the boy developed the need to identify with the male role. The role of the father began to be played by the mother, but since she was anxious and suspicious and raised her son as a girl, the result of this was only an increase in fears in the “feminized” boy. No wonder he was afraid that it would be stolen. He has already been “robbed” of his activity, independence and boyish self. The boy's neurotic, painful state seemed to tell his mother that she needed to rebuild herself, but she stubbornly did not consider it necessary to do this, continuing to accuse her son of being stubborn. Ten years later, she came to us again, complaining about her son’s refusal to attend school. This was a consequence of the inflexibility of her behavior and her son’s inability to communicate with peers at school.

In other cases, we are faced with a child’s fear of being late - for a visit, to kindergarten, etc. The fear of being late, of not being on time, is based on an uncertain and anxious expectation of some kind of misfortune. Sometimes such fear takes on an obsessive, neurotic connotation when children torment their parents with endless questions and doubts like: “Won’t we be late?”, “Will we be on time?”, “Will you come?” Expectation intolerance manifests itself in the fact that the child “emotionally burns out” before the onset of some specific, pre-planned event, for example, the arrival of guests, a visit to the cinema, etc.

Most often, the obsessive fear of being late is characteristic of boys with a high level of intellectual development, but with insufficiently expressed emotionality and spontaneity. They are looked after a lot, controlled, regulated every step by not very young and anxiously suspicious parents. In addition, mothers would prefer to see them as girls, and they treat boys’ willfulness with emphasized adherence to principles, intolerance and intransigence.

Both parents are characterized by a heightened sense of duty, the difficulty of compromise, combined with impatience and poor tolerance of expectation, maximalism and inflexibility of “all or nothing” thinking. Like fathers, boys are not confident in themselves and are afraid of not meeting the inflated demands of their parents. Figuratively speaking, boys, with an obsessive fear of being late, are afraid of not being able to catch their boyish train of life, rushing non-stop from the past to the future, bypassing the stop of the present. The obsessive fear of being late is a symptom of a painfully acute and fatally insoluble internal anxiety, that is, neurotic anxiety, when the past frightens, the future worries, and the present excites and puzzles.

A neurotic form of expression of fear of death is the obsessive fear of infection. Usually this is an adult-instilled fear of diseases from which, according to them, you can die. Such fears fall on the fertile soil of increased age-related sensitivity to fears of death and blossom into the magnificent flower of neurotic fears.

This is what happened to a 6-year-old girl living with her suspicious grandmother. One day she read (she already knew how to read) in a pharmacy that she should not eat food that a fly would land on. Shocked by such a categorical ban, the girl began to feel guilty and worried about his repeated “violations.” She was afraid to leave food, it seemed to her that there were some dots on its surface, etc. Overwhelmed by the fear of getting infected and dying from it, she endlessly washed her hands and, despite thirst and hunger, refused to drink or eat at a party. Tension, stiffness and “reverse confidence” appeared - obsessive thoughts about impending death from accidentally eating contaminated food. Moreover, the threat of death was perceived literally, as something probable, as punishment, punishment for violating the ban. To become infected with such fears, you need to be psychologically unprotected by your parents and already have a high level of anxiety, reinforced by a restless and protective grandmother in everything.

If we do not take such clinical cases, then the fear of death, as already noted, does not sound, but dissolves into the usual fears for a given age. However, it is better not to subject the psyche of emotionally sensitive, impressionable, nervously and somatically weakened children to additional tests such as surgery to remove the adenoids (there are conservative treatment methods), painful medical procedures without special need, separation from their parents and placement for several months in a “health center.” » sanatorium, etc. But this does not mean isolating children at home, creating for them an artificial environment that eliminates any difficulties and levels out their own experience of failures and achievements.

Encyclopedia of practical psychology "Psychologos"

published 01/23/2014 13:59 updated 01/23/2014 – Pedagogy and psychology

Manifestations of the 5-year-old crisis in children

The child becomes capricious for no particular reason.
Throws hysterics for any reason. For example, if you can’t find your favorite toy.
Sudden changes in behavior, manifestation of aggression.
Not all children, but isolation still occurs during this crisis. Suddenly the baby stops talking about all his events, although he always did this before.
Imitates adults, copies their behavior, makes faces.
If before the baby was not afraid of anything, now various fears may arise, for example, fear of the dark or fear of talking to an unfamiliar adult.
The desire to be independent, he wants to do everything himself without the help of adults, even to go for walks without his parents.
He makes up stories and fantasizes, passing them off as the truth.
Excessive physical activity is quickly replaced by fatigue. Increased emotionality and excitability.
Disobedient character and refusal to obey parents.
Frequent anger and irritation, rudeness in communication with parents and peers.
Commits actions to spite adults and vice versa, even if it causes harm to himself.
I am dissatisfied with everything all the time.
He shows stubbornness to the last and does not back down, it is so important for him that his opinion is listened to.
Plays like a dictator - tells everyone what to do. In his opinion, this is exactly how the “big ones” behave.

Changes after the crisis

After a sharp leap in mental development, the child becomes more balanced, listens to the advice of his parents and enjoys spending time with his family.

Strong-willed qualities of character and self-control are strengthened. The kid organizes the daily routine, sets priorities (do homework first, then rest; go to bed on time).

Character traits, tastes and preferences are clearly visible. The child judges events almost without regard to parents or friends.

How long does it last?

The 5-year crisis can last for different periods of time individually for each child.

Minimum from several weeks to months and even a year.

It is also worth noting that it may not begin strictly at the age of five, but earlier or later.

It also depends on the individual characteristics of a particular baby.

Some parents do not even notice the onset of a critical condition, it passes so easily.

And some grab their heads and don’t know what to do.

The main thing is not to panic, but to follow the advice of psychologists. Then everything will work out and you will forget about the difficult period.

Note:

It is necessary to understand and accept the fact that the crisis of 5 years in children is inevitable. But what you can influence is to smooth out the rough edges of this time and make it more painless, using the experience of psychologists and parents who have already walked this path.

Signs of the beginning of a crisis

How to understand that a crisis has arrived? It arises due to an internal conflict: the child discovers that desires and real possibilities do not coincide, and it is not possible to achieve complete autonomy - the parents control every step.

Unreasonable aggression. The kid is rude, snaps, refuses to follow requests. Pushes away relatives whom he used to love very much.
Hysterics. Minor failures bring tears: I couldn’t find my favorite car, I was forbidden to go outside.
The child imitates his elders, imitates them, tries to be an “adult.” Grimaces, adopts habits.
A need for solitude arises: children as young as five years old love to lock themselves in a room and create secret corners. They refuse to share information (they don’t tell how their day went, what they discussed with friends). This is explained by the desire to solve problems individually.
Phobias, nightmares, restless sleep. The child is afraid of supernatural beings and refuses to sleep in a room alone. Existential fears are also added - obsessive thoughts about painful illnesses, death, a sad future (“What if I don’t have friends? But won’t I get sick?”)
Diffidence. The child competes with peers, compares himself with others. Asks to evaluate his appearance or actions (“Do I have a nice dress?”)

Pros of the crisis

The age of 5 years in children is distinguished not only by the negative aspects of the crisis, but also by the positive ones.

It is now that children show their talents and abilities.

Therefore, now is the time to take a closer look at your child and help him find himself and his favorite activity.

To reveal the baby’s capabilities, you need to enroll her in various educational clubs and activities.

Ask your son or daughter what is most interesting and attractive.

And take your child there. In addition to his interests, you can also offer something yourself.

Who knows, maybe the kid doesn’t realize that drawing turns out to be so exciting.

They say that there are no mediocre children, there are gifted children who were not helped by adults to open up.

Of course, it cannot be said that absolutely every child doing dance or music will become the second Volochkova or Pugacheva.

But you can still find your calling right now. And in the future, the baby will no longer have to puzzle over who he will be when he grows up.

In addition, a crisis is experienced much easier when a child is busy doing what he loves. It also helps you learn how to set goals and achieve them.

Read below on how to survive this period easier and without unnecessary fuss:

You should understand that this is a difficult time for the baby.

Therefore, there is no need to scold him or punish him for his capricious behavior.

This is the biggest mistake parents make. On the contrary, you need to handle the baby very gently, but at the same time persistently.

To do this, follow these tips:

Create an atmosphere of calm and comfort
Try to find out the reason for bad behavior. Perhaps the child just needs more affection and love.
If the problem lies deeper, find out and discuss it, invite your child to find a solution together.
Do not resort to shouting and swearing during the child’s hysterical behavior. You need to wait until the baby comes to your senses and then talk to her in a calm tone.
Do not show irritation or anger.
Maintain a warm relationship with your child and his trust. If good communication is established, it will be much easier for both of you to get through the time of crisis.

It is worth noting:

Be your best friend and role model. Then the difficult time will fly by unnoticed and will not seem like such a nightmare for you and the baby.

Actions that parents should not do

Do not take it out on your child under any circumstances, this can only aggravate the problem (we recommend reading: how to stop taking it out on your child if he is annoying?)

During a difficult period for the baby, parents are strictly prohibited from performing the following actions:

Don't take your anger out on your child and don't be rude. It is necessary to have a conversation with him in a calm atmosphere about why he did not do the right thing.
If a child behaves rudely, you need to explain to him that such behavior is unacceptable. You can even not talk to him on principle, so that he feels how much he offends you with such behavior.
If a child repeats a swear word after someone, you should not scold him. Try to explain to him how bad it is to use this word, or simply ignore it, and the child will no longer remember it.
We must act immediately. If you see that the baby needs your help, immediately provide it, and your business will not go anywhere.

The child should feel that he occupies the main place in the life of his parents, that you will always have time for him. Let your baby know how much you need him, and you will never leave him in a difficult situation.

Clinical and perinatal psychologist, graduated from the Moscow Institute of Perinatal Psychology and Reproductive Psychology and Volgograd State Medical University with a degree in clinical psychology More details »

What not to do

Do not pay attention to the child, let everything take its course, minding your own business.
Raise your voice for no reason, swear, become hysterical, use humiliating words and comparisons, physical methods of education.
Lecturing, behaving intrusively, lecturing, pointing out children's age and the superiority of adults.
Use the words in communication: “you don’t know how to do anything,” “don’t interfere, move away,” and similar things.
Turn a blind eye to obvious aggression and inappropriate behavior.
To delay and put off helping a child when he needs it. Put everything aside and take care of his problems.
If you can’t talk to your baby in a calm tone, then you should consult a psychologist.

Take note:

Try on the role of support and center of the universe. Be gentle, don’t neglect playing together, have fun with your baby. Understand his world. Let your child understand that the most important thing for you is her well-being, and not her career and other “adult” matters.

Questions and comments from a psychologist

"Hello! I am a mother of two children. The eldest son is 5 years and 2 months old, and the daughter is 10 months old.

The son is very jealous of his sister, and at the same time shows strong aggression towards her.

At the age of 3, he developed nervous tics when he was nervous.

During attacks of aggression towards my sister, the tics become even stronger. What to do, how to help the child?”

A crisis of any age is a period that is characterized by a person’s transition to a new level of relationships with the outside world. Moreover, not only a midlife crisis is inherent in humanity - starting from the first year of life, a little person is already experiencing crises during the period of growing up. The crisis of the first year, the crisis of three, five and seven years, as well as the teenage crisis - all these terms are familiar to many parents when raising their children. Some children experience these periods quite violently and difficultly, while other children move completely calmly and almost imperceptibly to a new stage of growing up.

Each of the crisis periods in a child has its own characteristics, so it is important for us, parents, to have at least the slightest understanding of these conditions, so as not to fall into a “stupor” in the future, not knowing what to do and what to do with a growing child.

In today’s publication we want to talk about the five-year crisis, which occurs in every child at one time and lasts from several weeks to several months. We will tell you how to recognize a child’s 5-year-old crisis and solve problems associated with this period as constructively as possible in our publication today.

Symptoms of age-related crises in children

The very first signal that your child is growing up and moving to a new level of communication is a sudden change in his behavior, and, as a rule, not for the better. The five-year crisis is accompanied by the following changes:

the child suddenly shows irritability, gets angry and nervous over trifles, and gets tired quickly;

in conversation he quite often behaves and grimaces, happily trying on the role of a jester, achieving an angry reaction from adults;

aggressiveness intensifies, so even a previously calm and docile child begins to rebel. But open, sociable children, on the contrary, during this period become shy and secretive;

The crisis of five years in children can manifest itself as self-doubt, fear of completely simple things, etc.

What to do if your child has a 5-year-old crisis?

Naturally, when faced with such behavior of a child, parents, as a rule, either give up and let everything take its course, or, on the contrary, begin to actively raise the child. At the same time, the system of punishment during the period of raising a “crisis” child quite often prevails over any other attempts to establish relationships with the child. However, no matter how difficult it may be for us, parents, it is important to find a way to solve the problem of a child’s 5-year-old crisis, so that it is as effective and comfortable as possible for the baby. Therefore, punishing and reproaching, shouting and getting irritated is simply useless. The baby will not understand this behavior and will rebel even more. Therefore, let's find out what to do so that the child's 5-year-old crisis passes as quickly and without problems as possible.

Since any age-related crisis is associated with the child’s growing up, it is very important to show the child that you take him seriously. Don’t be afraid to trust your child with “adult matters” and be sure to encourage your child for independence. If your child wants to clean up or wash the dishes on his own, praise him and show him how to do it correctly. Moreover, avoid moralizing - treat the child as an adult in order to increase the child’s self-esteem and get closer to him, based on a trusting relationship.

If your child is busy with something, you should not lecture him or interfere in “his business.” The baby will ask you for help if he needs it. During this period, he strives to show his independence, so you should not interfere with him in this. Age-related crises contribute to the gradual shifting of responsibility from the parent to the child, so you must convey to the child that he must be responsible for his actions, and gradually accustom him to some household chores and responsibilities. For example, “trust” your child to buy bread every day at the nearest bread kiosk. From now on it is purely his responsibility! Explain that this rule cannot be broken, since the whole family will be left without a full meal. This will increase the child’s self-esteem and build trusting relationships with parents.

In conclusion:

at the age of five, you should not show your baby how carefully you protect him and control his every step. At this age, the child strives to be independent. Therefore, do not interfere with him and build a relationship on trust. However, if a child has committed a fine, then he must also be held accountable for the mistake. This is the only way he will begin to grow up. And there is nothing scary or unpredictable about this.

What should parents do?

Parents often do not know what to do in such a situation. You just need to follow some rules and you will achieve a positive result. First, you need to find out the cause of the crisis:

the child wants to seem like an adult, but it doesn’t work out;
at the age of five, children are trying to learn to control their emotions;
kids begin to understand the difference between the opposite sex;
Children fantasize and have a different opinion about life.

Parents must adhere to the following rules:

Pay more attention to your child: communicate, ask with interest about his affairs, and do not forget to talk about yourself.
Be sure to explain to your child so that he understands why you are doing something (for example, you need to go to bed during the day, as this is good for health).
If a child shows aggression and fights, have a conversation with him about how this is unacceptable (we recommend reading: how to deal with aggression in a 5-year-old child?).

Listen to the child, to his opinion, accept the baby’s help, then your child will feel needed

It is important for your child to know that you have serious intentions and you are talking to him as an equal. Spend a lot of time with him, take part in joint games, imagine yourself as a small child too. Try to give him a little more freedom without showing your concern for him. Accustom your child to perform adult responsibilities, gradually transferring some of them to him.

If the child does not need your help, it is better not to meddle in his affairs. Do not forbid him to do difficult things, let him understand that he was wrong and in vain did not listen to the advice of adults. Give your child support and don't forget to praise him. Close your eyes to the child’s whims, antics and imitation of adults. If you don't focus on this behavior, it won't become normal.

According to psychologists, the most important thing during a crisis in children aged five is to surround the child with love and care. Set a good example for your child.