What to do if a child does everything out of spite at 4-5 years old

What can you do with a chronically disobedient child?

From time to time, most children defy their parents' wishes and start doing things out of spite.
It's part of growing up and testing adult guidelines and expectations. This is one of the ways in which children can learn and discover themselves, express their individuality and gain a sense of autonomy. As they spread their independent wings and engage in minor conflicts with their parents, they discover the limits of their parents' rules and their own self-control. Sometimes, however, these conflicts represent more than occasional disruptions and become patterns of parent-child interaction. Disobedience can have many causes. Sometimes this happens due to unreasonable parental expectations. Or it may be due to the child's temperament or school problems, family stress or conflicts between his parents.

What to do if a small child does not listen

Babies are not the same from birth: one is a tomboy - another is an obedient mother's son, one will silently furrow his eyebrows and be stubborn - the other will give out hysterics and a fountain of emotions if he doesn’t like something.

Nature gives everyone its own characteristics, mental properties. They determine how the baby perceives the world. Obedience problems also arise and manifest in different ways.

Children's aggression and stubbornness

He grits his teeth and stubbornly stands his ground. If you put pressure on a stubborn person, you will provoke an outbreak of aggression. What to do if a child does not want to obey?

Stubbornness and aggression arise only in those guys who are by nature thorough and unhurried. They do everything not for speed, but for quality.

Problems can arise when the baby’s natural properties do not match those of the mother: her reaction speed is much higher. Mom, wanting the best, hurries and urges her slow teddy bear. Is it possible to sit at the table for an hour and perform a whole ritual on the potty?

But the natural properties of the psyche cannot be changed by education. With constant tugging, problems arise: the baby reacts with stubbornness to attempts to rush and urge him on.

At first he just raises his eyebrows and pouts his lips. Then he does everything in defiance, out of spite. He argues and contradicts on any occasion, breaks toys, and can hit. A particularly alarming symptom is that if he mixes food and toilet dirt, the “toilet” topic constantly pops up in his speech.

What to do: first, just give your baby more time for any task. It is very important for him to receive well-deserved praise from his mother - do not skimp on kind words. He will listen to you more attentively if you talk to him slowly, thoroughly, and explain everything in detail.

Demanding “what-bought”

The baby is agile, agile, nimble. From birth he has “haptic” hands: everything needs to be reached, pulled out, touched. About a year later, when she starts walking, it becomes difficult for my mother. Things are being turned out from all the shelves and cabinets. It is difficult to remain calm, especially if you are a stickler for cleanliness and order.

The word “give” seems to have been born before it. It is impossible to go shopping together: extortion begins at every turn. Whatever you give him is not enough. How to react in a situation when a naughty child does not want to behave properly in crowded places and at home?

It’s not by chance that these kids grab everything in their hands. They have high tactile sensitivity by nature; it is through touch that they explore the world. In addition, they are given rational thinking, focused on obtaining benefits and benefits. These are the future “earners”.

What to do if the child does not obey at all: while he is still small, he should create the following conditions:

- fill the bottom shelves of the cabinets with non-hazardous items and be patient, knowing that the child will periodically pull them out and study them;

— remove dangerous objects as high as possible;

— until 2-3 years of age, it is better not to take a haptic nimble child into large stores, where there are a lot of temptations;

- such a baby should have maximum opportunities for outdoor games at home and on the street, as well as games for tactile sensitivity (sand, plasticine).

After 3 years:

- it’s better to make a shopping list with him in advance and outline what he will get from the upcoming trip to the store;

— introduce a clear daily routine, a unified system of prohibitions and restrictions, rules so that the baby grows up organized and disciplined.

Important: avoid saying “no” and “you can’t” at every step, otherwise parental prohibitions are devalued and no one hears them. It is better to replace these words with synonyms and be sure to offer the child an alternative - what can be done in return. And keep it short: the smart guy simply won’t be able to listen to an hour-long monologue.

What parents can do

If you have a chronically disobedient child, explore the possible sources of his inner turmoil and rebellion. If this was a permanent pattern that persisted until mid-childhood, carefully evaluate the situation in your family:

How respectful are your family members towards each other?
Do they respect each other's privacy, ideas and personal values?
How does the family resolve their conflicts?
Are disagreements resolved through rational discussion, or do people regularly argue or resort to violence?
How do you usually treat your child, and what forms does discipline usually take?
How much spanking and screaming is there?
Do you and your child have very different personalities and ways of living in the world that are causing friction between you?
Is your child having trouble doing well in school or developing friendships?
Is the family going through particularly stressful times?

If your child has just recently started showing disrespect and disobedience, tell him that you have noticed a difference in his behavior and feel that he is unhappy or struggling. With its help, try to determine the specific reason for his disappointment or frustration. This is the first step to helping him change his behavior.

Question

Hello.
My child is 2.5 years old boy. Our problem is that whatever you ask him to do, he does it in defiance, or doesn’t do it at all. In order for him to do what needs to be done, you just have to make up some contortions so that he agrees to wash his hands, or go for a walk in the right direction. Sometimes it happens that he swings his legs at us if he doesn’t want to do something. For example, we go for a walk to the playground, it’s freezing outside, he immediately drags me to the swing. I explain to him that it’s cold now, let’s roll around a little and play something else, to which he falls and rolls on the ground, like on a swing. In general, you can’t pull it off the swing. He doesn't want to listen to any explanations. Sleeping in general is just a problem, he will crawl and roll around in bed until I shout that it’s time to sleep. This started recently, when we went to kindergarten, he began to really like reading before going to bed, before kindergarten I sang lullabies to him. So we always read, then turned off the light and fell asleep. Now I start reading, he starts, then he needs another book, then he needs a soft toy, in general I read to no one. In general, he’s always had a hard time getting himself to sleep, but now it’s somehow especially bad. Tell me what to do? Asked by: Sazonova Irina Vladimirovna

Your reaction matters

If you react to your child's conversation by exploding or losing control, he will respond with disobedience and disrespect. On the contrary, he will become more obedient when you are calm, cooperative and consistent. He will learn to be respectful if you respect him and others in the family. If he becomes unruly and out of control, schedule a time out until he calms down and regains his composure.

When your child is obedient and respectful, compliment him for that behavior. Encourage the behaviors you seek, including cooperation and resolving disagreements. These positive efforts will always be much more successful than punishment.

Methods for solving the problem

In this situation, psychologists recommend that parents show their child that his strategy of attracting attention is ineffective. Moms and dads should praise their baby more often, even for minor things. Say hello to your neighbor - praise him, put away his toys - pet him. Reinforce him with kind words, sparing no effort, and he will quickly understand that it is more profitable to do as his parents ask than the other way around.

Be patient, sometimes the baby will return to the usual pattern of behavior, testing your strength. Don’t make a scandal and restrain yourself, because a child who does everything out of spite, this is exactly what you need, so that you only react to him. Therefore, train yourself to speak to the naughty person in a calm but assertive manner. Together with praise, this will quickly teach the baby to “work” for positive reinforcement.

When to seek additional help from a child psychologist

Some unruly children may require professional mental health treatment from a child psychologist. Here are some situations where outside consulting may be required:

If there is a consistent, long-standing pattern of disrespect for adults both at school and at home.
If patterns of disobedience persist despite your best efforts to encourage your child to express negative feelings
If the child's disobedience and/or disrespect is accompanied by aggressiveness and destructiveness
If your child is showing signs of general unhappiness, it could be feelings of hostility, lack of friends, or even a risk of suicide.
If your family has developed a pattern of responding to disagreements with physical or emotional violence
If you or your spouse or child use alcohol or other drugs to feel better or cope with stress
If your family relationships are showing signs of difficulty and lack of cooperation, you may need family therapy. By addressing these issues and addressing them at a young age, you can minimize and even prevent more serious struggles that may arise as your children reach adolescence. The key is early detection and treatment.

Contacts and make an appointment Read about counseling and qualifications
Psychologist, hypnologist Natalya Korshunova ©

What if a child does everything out of spite? material (group) on the topic

What if a child does everything out of spite?

In the period from 1 year to 16 years, a child experiences a growing-up crisis four times. He often cannot or does not know how to explain his actions and feelings. Parents have to face situations where they consider themselves completely powerless, in their opinion, to change anything.

One type of stubbornness or disobedience, according to parents, can be called the behavior of a child when he strives to do everything out of spite. This active form of negativism has a basis - an incorrect educational process.

Aggressive behavior
Lack of contact with parents
Iron discipline
Why can't the child hear me?
What should parents do?

Aggressive behavior

Aggression on the part of another person will not please anyone, neither an adult nor a child. No one wants to agree that his rights are being violated, and he himself, as an individual, simply does not exist. Often, people who have a strong character, who cannot restrain their emotions, who believe that they have the last word, bring aggression into the family. Children are the ones who suffer the most from this.

The father or mother demands obedience from the child in any way and at any cost. They demand full recognition of their superiority from the little man. This type of behavior, when a parent psychologically suppresses a child, demonstrating his strength, causes only one reaction - disobedience.

Psychologically, the child is very open and vulnerable, and therefore cannot withstand a surge of emotions and violence. On a subconscious level, it builds a protective barrier. In his eyes, dad or mom can have an influence on him when they are filled with love, complicity, and a desire to delve into the situation and explain. If parents are determined to communicate with the child only in a commanding tone, the child will act out of spite until the parents change their behavior and attitude towards him.

Lack of contact with parents

Parents who are too young, unprepared for another life to appear nearby, the birth of a second child, lack of time, indifference or dislike for the child, selfishness of parents, reluctance to delve into the life of a little person, career, being very busy at work and much more often lead to the fact that the child becomes lonely.

Internal alienation is followed by a state when a son or daughter tries to attract the attention of their parents to themselves in any way. One of the types of behavior usually becomes that, under any circumstances and requests, the baby begins to do everything out of spite. It seems impossible to reach him.

Contact with a child throughout the entire period of growing up gives him a feeling of confidence and prepares him for his future life. The usual need to communicate, play together, watch TV, read books, draw, etc. causes children to feel admiration for their parents, and as a result, obedience.

The child will act out of spite to his parents if they deprive him of their attention and love. This is his method of behavior in order to evoke at least some reaction and feelings.

Iron discipline

Iron discipline and constant prohibitions. Everything must be done according to the rules; exceptions and deviations from the norm are not accepted. All penalties apply for any offense. In a word – “army drill”.

Sometimes the situation of children in such a family becomes simply unbearable. It is simply impossible to fulfill all the requirements of the father or mother impeccably, while being a successful and proactive child.

In a family with iron discipline, you rarely hear praise, which, as a rule, pushes the desire to become better. The child hears constant unflattering remarks addressed to him. He has long come to terms with the fact that he is bad in everything and deserves only criticism.

If a child cannot reach the level that is constantly demanded of him, the result will be isolation and disobedience, when he will strive to spite his parents. Children do this even more often at school: the more the teacher shouts and demands, the more children are disobedient and do the opposite.

Children simply want to be given more freedom, given words of encouragement, forgiven, motivated to succeed, and often allowed to do what they want rather than what they need.

What does iron discipline entail in the family today and in the future:

Fear of people in power (at work and at home).
Low self-esteem.
Closedness.
Lack of initiative.
Tendency to deception, vindictiveness and violence.
Leaving the family (early marriages, moving to another city, living separately from parents).

Why can't the child hear me?

People who are prone to psychological suppression of another personality are usually not heard.

If parents constantly demand something, keep the child within strict limits, or make excessive demands, the response will be rebellion, aggression, and disobedience. All this can manifest itself quietly or violently. If it’s quiet, then the child will simply build a psychological barrier on a subconscious level so that he won’t actually hear. He will go about his business, ignoring the requests of his parents. A violent reaction will manifest itself in resistance and behavior out of spite.

Some children have a habit of falling into a stupor. This is a kind of “inhibited” state.

He would be happy to do what is asked of him, but he cannot, his psyche refuses to perceive the surrounding circumstances. The child had already been severely traumatized, and the parents did not have the words to apologize for their ambitious behavior. They were unable to smooth the situation over. Now she has reached a dead end. He had already poured out his pain in tears and resentment before, now he is simply silent, waiting for the end of the conversation. The threshold of sensitivity has increased so much that the child cannot even withstand demands in a quiet tone.

They say that children are good actors and manipulators.

They know how to perfectly use their childish charm, tantrums, and cunning to achieve what they want. They pretend that they listen to their parents and agree, but they have already decided for themselves in advance that they will not do that. But when their disobedience is discovered, there is always an alternative - another parent or grandparents.

Children are simply looking for support and understanding: “I didn’t do what mom wanted because mom was wrong. Really, grandma? After all, she is wrong...” A big mistake that adults make is to underestimate the authority of one of the parents, even if he really was wrong. Any controversial issues in raising children are best resolved in their absence. If the child is supported by other family members in his disobedience, it will be very difficult to achieve anything from him.

Many parents complain that their children study poorly and find it difficult to learn new information.

Do you need to figure out what lies behind this? For example, at one time, when a child studied well, many things were already extorted from him by shouting. The child has undeveloped certain abilities; in early childhood, his parents did not help him become cognitive, responsible, proactive, and aspiring. After all, it is true that some children are better at Russian, while others are better at mathematics.

Or, the child is hyperactive, the workload at school and at home does not give him the opportunity to release his energy. Sitting at his lessons, he has no interest in them, because all his thoughts are there, in the yard with the children in active games. Yes, there are children who are ready to diligently acquire knowledge.

And there are those with whom parents study every evening, spending a lot of free time on it. But even during joint activities, the child does not seem to hear what is being said to him. Screaming, impatience, emotions, beating, fuss will only aggravate the situation. Love, patience, and attention will help the child listen and hear.

Parents often do not notice how a child from diapers ended up graduating from school.

They are used to seeing him small. Accordingly, the attitude is as follows: control, distrust, constant advice and prohibitions. But children like it when their parents notice their “adultness” and trust them. If a teenager is looked after and taught like a little one, he will not accept the words of his parents. This will only become a reason for him to do everything out of spite and vice versa.

What should parents do?

Parents should initially express their thoughts in a correct, understandable form for the child. Often parents' requests are incomprehensible to children, because they do not consider it necessary to explain how and why. How can a child obey if he doesn’t understand why?
Children under six years old need to literally show with their fingers what and how to do. What's the point of shouting to get a request fulfilled? Often, it seems that the baby does it out of spite, but in fact he was simply not taught to do it correctly.
For children, the whole world lies in play. They don't really take in what their parents tell them when they are passionate about something. It is best to distract the child from his favorite activity, calmly express his request and offer an option for fulfilling it (immediately or after some time). He must hear it loud and clear.
Parents may complain that their child does not succeed in anything, ignores requests, as if he is doing everything out of spite. No, he just needs to be taught planning. To do this, you can keep a notebook so that every evening you can write down tomorrow’s tasks together. As he completes them throughout the day, he notes them in a notebook. In the evening, the child himself will be interested in showing off his achievements to his parents. Of course, the son or daughter is first taught how to use the watch.
Every person needs the right to make mistakes. It’s good if the child manages to do something right the first time. If not, let him try it himself, then he needs to explain and help him do something that he himself cannot do. If a child is not allowed to make mistakes, scolded for any reason, he loses the desire to explore this world and strive for the best.
A playful form of communication and guidance from parents gives good results. Children love to compete. Communication with a child in the form of “who will collect toys faster, who will put their things away faster, who will wash their cup faster, who will wipe their shoes faster” will teach him to respond faster to his parents’ requests than shouting and lectures.

A child will never act out of spite to his parents, who create an atmosphere of acceptance and love in the family, accustoming him to responsibilities, but not forgetting his rights.

How should parents behave if their child starts doing everything contrary?

Psychologically, children are very vulnerable and not everyone is able to withstand outbursts of parental emotions without consequences. Feeling pressure, the child begins to build a protective barrier and looks for that form of behavior that in a certain situation turns out to be more effective. One of these reactions to prohibitions and orders is actions “out of spite”, which are expressed in disobedience, ignoring requests and hysterical behavior. Until the relationship changes, he will behave in a way that his parents do not like. To restore normal communication, adults will have to try very hard.

Solve problems peacefully

When a child protests and does everything out of spite, do not try to calm him down by force. This is a losing strategy. Do not demonstrate your superiority and always agree in advance. There is no need to turn off the TV and force him to immediately go to bed. Even adults find it unpleasant when something exciting is interrupted at the most interesting moment. The child will react with protest and discontent. Try and calmly inform him in advance that as soon as the cartoon ends, we will turn off the TV and go to bed.

The baby becomes more disobedient from irritation and screaming. It is necessary to punish only when a bad deed has actually been committed, and not in cases where mom is not in the mood or dad has problems at work.

Don't give in when trying to stop the tantrums

If Children scream, stomp their feet and throw tantrums, be patient. They use their charm well to get what they want. Many cunning people may pretend to listen and agree, but they have already decided in advance that they will do everything their own way. If you constantly give in, disobedience will become a habit.

Ignoring parents

There are babies who are born absolute introverts. They are so immersed in themselves that they can react to a request with a delay - they do not immediately emerge from their thoughts.

It is strictly forbidden to shout at such children. They have especially sensitive hearing, and screaming is super-stressful, which drives them even deeper into themselves. Up to the development of mental disorders (autism, schizophrenia).

What to do: speak quietly, slightly lowering your tone so that the baby listens. Remove strong noise irritants from the house. Classical music in a quiet background is useful.

Children's tantrums

Hysterics appear only in those children to whom nature has given high emotionality and sensuality. As a child, they may experience a variety of fears: the dark, monsters, etc. In problematic situations, such a child may burst into tears and throw tantrums.

Parents often ask: if a child does not listen, what should they do, stop the hysteria or not? Punish her?

What not to do: you should not limit the baby’s natural sensuality. He can only suppress his emotions, but he will not stop experiencing them. And in the future, the false skill of “squeezing” emotions will seriously harm his overall destiny.

What to do: you need to develop the baby’s sensuality, developing the ability to empathize and compassion for other people. This is achieved through reading classical literature for empathy. When the entire range of emotions is converted into empathy and love for people, fears and hysterics go away. It is useful to know that you have a future humanist growing up, perhaps a doctor or cultural figure.