How to deal with children's hysteria: 5 main rules

A child is hysterical. What to do?

The most common request parents have from a psychologist is how to deal with hysteria in a child.
It is a state of extreme nervous excitement. You may notice a child's loss of self-control, loud crying, screaming, and rolling on the floor. Many children show aggression, begin to bite themselves and adults, and may bang their heads against the wall. There is no point in talking about anything with your child at this moment. He is under the influence of strong emotions, which means that a special solution to this problem will be required. It is important to note: many children deliberately resort to hysterics in order to achieve what they want. They understand perfectly well how effective their behavior is on adults. Most often, parents try to calm the child down, quickly buy him what he needs, being ashamed of the people around him. This in turn can lead to even more manipulation. These children will have a difficult time in adulthood when their needs are not properly met.

Child psychology

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Children's tantrums terrify parents. However, this is an integral part of childhood, and parents cannot do anything about it.

Dealing with children's tantrums can make you lose your cool. This is your patience test and you must complete it.

Let's look at why children have tantrums, how parents can cope with them, and in what cases a child needs medical help.

What is hysteria

Psychologists say that hysteria is a child’s reaction in situations where he cannot control his emotional impulses. The child loses self-control and ignores the rules of behavior that he previously followed.

Tantrums most often occur in children aged one and a half years and usually go away by the age of four. However, some children continue to have tantrums later.

Why do children have hysterics?

Tantrums occur when a child tries to cope with what is happening around him. This is difficult for a child of any age.

Let's look at the main causes of children's tantrums.

1. Underdeveloped prefrontal cortex

• The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that regulates executive functions, including social skills, communication, and moral standards;
• Sometimes in young children the prefrontal cortex is not yet fully developed. Because of this, they cannot respond adequately in cases where they do not understand something. This leads to hysterics;
• The prefrontal cortex typically matures by age four and older.

2. Underdeveloped limbic system

• The limbic system of the brain is closely connected to the prefrontal cortex and is responsible for controlling emotions such as fear, disappointment, anger or joy;
• Poor development of the limbic system often leaves children confused. Because of this, children are unable to accurately express their emotions. This leads to hysterics. And until the child's cerebral cortex develops, a tantrum is the only way a child expresses his feelings and gets his needs met;
• Like the prefrontal cortex, the limbic system may remain undeveloped for up to four years.

3. Character traits

One of the reasons for tantrums in children is their difficult character. Children who are rigid and intolerant of change are more prone to tantrums than others. In addition, their tantrums are more intense than others.

4. Features of communication

Often a tantrum is the only way for a child to communicate his feelings if his speech is not yet sufficiently developed. Thus, the child may try to communicate that he is hungry, upset, tired, nauseous, something hurts, etc.

5. The child seeks attention or communicates his or her needs.

A child can use various signals to attract attention. But if you don't pay attention to him or don't understand what he wants, the child may become hysterical.

6. Parents being too strict

If you are too strict with your child and do not allow him to try new things, learn and make mistakes, the atmosphere at home puts pressure on him. He gets upset and shows it in the form of hysterics.

7. Frustration

Failure to learn a new skill (such as tying shoelaces or folding clothes) can leave a child feeling helpless and unable to cope with a particular task. Ultimately this can cause hysterics.

8. External reasons

Parents expect children over three years of age to behave well at home, outside and in kindergarten. It is difficult for a child to behave well for a long time, so when he comes home he may become hysterical.

9. Home and family

Any situations at home in which parents feel anxious (for example, family conflicts, divorce, illness of a parent) can also affect the child.

A child's tantrum can be caused by one or more of the above factors. However, most often its appearance is associated with certain situations.

Situations that lead a child to hysterics

1. Discomfort. Children may become hysterical when they find themselves in uncomfortable or confusing situations, such as being in a crowded place or in a loud group.

2. Parents' reaction. Children become hysterical when their parents show aggression towards them, shout or laugh at them. If parents show different reactions to the child's behavior, this confuses him even more and provokes hysterics.

3. Inability to explain your needs. When a child cannot explain what he wants, he feels helpless. To express his disappointment, he becomes hysterical.

The best way to deal with children's tantrums is to remain calm. Only then will you be able to find a solution to this problem.

How to deal with children's tantrums

Over time, you will learn to calm your child and control his mood. But even if you don’t know how to do this yet, we advise you to use these recommendations.

1. Ignore the tantrum. Try to distract yourself with something so as not to react rudely to the situation. But this will not work in situations where the child physically harms himself or becomes hysterical precisely because you are not paying attention to him.

2. Stay calm. If a child's tantrum occurs at home, you should remain calm. This will require a lot of effort and patience from you. If a child becomes hysterical in a public place, take him away from there. Offer him several options where you can go. Having a choice will sooner or later calm the child.

3. Avoid child abuse. If your child screams, hits or throws things, stop him immediately. Let him know that violence will not be tolerated. But first of all, make sure that you are not aggressive either. If your child misbehaves, you can take away certain privileges. This way, the child will understand that he is loved, but his behavior is unacceptable.

4. Try to understand the child's reaction. When he communicates with you, try to understand what he wants to say. Ask him a few clarifying questions to make it easier for him to express his thoughts. This will calm him down.

5. Don't stop your child from crying. It is, of course, difficult for parents to see their child cry. But you shouldn’t keep your child from crying. Crying releases the stress hormone cortisol. When the child cries, he will be in a good mood again.

6. Don't overdo it. Do not force your child to restrain himself constantly, whether at home or on the street. Even if a child becomes hysterical, this does not mean that he will behave the same way on the street. The child should know that home is a place where he can express his feelings without any embarrassment. Support your child in this.

7. Apologize if you overreact. If you lose your composure, say something like: “Sorry, mom got excited.” The child must understand that everyone makes mistakes, and this is normal if it does not happen too often.

8. Be firm. Your apology does not mean that you have agreed to all of your child's demands. If he asks for something you can't give him, be firm. Let him know that if you say no, you won't change your mind.

9. Connect with your child. A child's tantrum does not mean that he is trying to manipulate you. In fact, the child may accept your refusal, and his hysteria is a reaction to such a situation. Therefore, do not judge your child or distance yourself from him because of his behavior. Establish a connection with him - this will ease his tension.

10. Give your child a choice. Offer him several options and ask him to choose the one he likes best. Offer suggestions for foods to eat, games you can play with him, and activities he can do. This way the child will be sure that he is taken into account and not ignored.

11. Praise your child's good behavior. By seeing you support certain actions, your child will understand what you expect from him. He will likely repeat this behavior again.

12. Use sign language. If your child is not talking yet, try communicating with him using signs. Instead of throwing a tantrum, he can communicate his needs to you through body language. This will help prevent tantrums.

With patience, you can deal with most children's tantrums. But what to do if the tantrums become too strong?

What do strong tantrums indicate?

If your child's tantrums become too intense, they may indicate a health problem. For example, psychologists point to possible mental disorders:

1. Experts say that tantrums in healthy children are shorter and less aggressive than in children with depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, etc.

Studies have shown that a tantrum in a healthy child can last 10-11 minutes, while in children with various disorders it averages 25 minutes.

2. Research shows that children's tantrums are an early symptom of oppositional defiant disorder.

3. Other studies have shown that children who frequently throw tantrums have higher levels of anxiety in the future than their peers.

You may find it difficult to deal with children's tantrums. In the most severe cases, you will need the help of a specialist.

When to see a doctor

It is worth contacting a specialist if your child exhibits the following symptoms:

• during a hysterical attack, the child shows cruelty towards his parents or objects around him;
• the child deliberately causes himself pain: scratches, bites himself, hits his head against the wall, etc.;
• the child's tantrum lasts longer than 25 minutes or occurs more than five times a day;
• even when the hysterical attack passes, the child still cannot calm down;
• To calm your child down, you need to bribe him with something every time.

If you see your child exhibiting any of these symptoms, contact your doctor. Remember that tantrums, like other child behavior disorders, are completely normal. However, you should pay more attention to your child. If your baby uses tantrums to express his emotions, you should be patient: this period will soon pass.

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Related links:

• ▶ Tantrums in children: advice for parents
• ▶ Aggression and tantrums in two-year-old children
• ▶ Development of children's emotional literacy
• ▶ Why tantrums are useful for a preschooler
• ▶ More articles about the psychology of children and adolescents

Child development 03/18/2019

Causes of children's hysterics

As children grow up, they develop desires and interests that often diverge from the demands of adults. If a child does not get what he wants, he begins to experience a negative feeling. A tantrum is a reaction when the interests of a child and parents collide. The following situations can be identified as a result of which adults are faced with children's hysteria:

• imitation of one of the parents or peers;
• inability to voice your dissatisfaction;
• desire to satisfy your need as soon as possible;
• feeling of hunger, physical fatigue, lack of sleep;
• illness, recovery from illness;
• excessive care, excessive strictness of parents;
• a permissive parenting style, which results in a desire to attract attention;
• there is no developed system of rewards and punishments for the child;
• break from an interesting game;
• various mistakes in education;
• unbalanced and weak nervous system of the baby.

This behavior can cause confusion in the calmest parent. It depends only on them whether the hysterics will continue or stop after several unsuccessful attempts.

The most important thing is to understand: how to cope with this child’s behavior, how to react to it correctly.

Physical discomfort

The child is not yet very aware of his bodily sensations. He may experience some kind of pain or discomfort, which deprives him of mental balance, but at the same time he does not understand the true cause of his condition. Hysteria can be caused by both a feeling of hunger and basic physical fatigue. Here's an example.

Mom Sveta:

“I decided to arrange a full holiday for my five-year-old son. First we went to the zoo. Yura was never refused anything: if you want to see the polar bears, go to the bears; if you want to see the giraffe, please go to the carousel, go to the carousel. Then we went to an ice cream parlor, then went to the Culture Park to ride on the carousel again, and in the evening we went to his best friend’s place, where they also had a lot of fun. And before going home, we decided to run into the store where I needed to buy groceries. And there he made a terrible scandal over some nonsense: he demanded to buy another toy, but I had already run out of money. What an ungrateful pig, I give him both, but he can’t behave normally!”

Svetlana’s indignation is understandable, but in fact, the reason for the scandal was not the toy at all. Yura was just very tired during the day - such a “cultural program” is not easy for an adult to endure, much less for a child. Try to moderate even entertainment, since although it is pleasant, it is still stressful for a fragile psyche.

What happens during a tantrum?

It is important to understand the difference between ordinary whims and hysterics. Kids resort to the first one deliberately in order to immediately get what they want. You can observe how the child stomps his feet, cries, screams, and begins to throw objects around. Often adults do not understand how to fulfill a whim. Children may want to go for a walk, but it is raining outside. They demand sweets that are not available at home. Sometimes girls want to try their mother’s cosmetics and are upset when lipstick and mascara are hidden from them.

Tantrums are an involuntary outburst of emotions that are difficult to cope with. The baby may scream loudly, scratch his face, or kick the wall. Convulsions may occur, during which children arch in an arch.

Adults should realize that a child's tantrum includes not only a strong emotional reaction, but also aggression, despair and irritation. Children cannot control their motor skills, as a result of which they demonstrate strange movements and auto-aggression without experiencing pain. Attacks are a consequence of resentment, unpleasant news. They can intensify with the attention of people around them, quickly disappearing in the absence of interested spectators.

The storm has not passed...

Mentally scrolling through our videotape, we reached the very scene that you remember with quiet horror.

Stop all discussions and try to remain calm, although this, of course, is not easy. The less attention the young troublemaker receives from you and other people, the sooner the hysteria will stop. Now you can no longer give in, since your concession will tie together the moment of crying and the achievement of the desired result. The consequence is quite logical - you can achieve anything by crying.

What to do if a child has a tantrum?

Psychologists say that such behavior can be observed after a year, reaching a peak of moodiness at the age of three. Many people are aware of the “I myself” crisis, when a child achieves what he wants with all his might. It is as if he is turning into a different person, according to his parents. Few people are able to react correctly if a previously calm child throws a tantrum.

It is important to know what the characteristics of this behavior are at each specific age. This will help you quickly find a solution and stop the hysterics. Do not forget about the individual approach to each child. You always need to take into account how the birth took place, what features of the baby’s health, and his environment. Most often, our character is formed by the environment in which we find ourselves most of the time.

Recommendations

The task of parents is to promptly detect an approaching attack and stop it. This can be achieved in the following ways:

• distract your child with another activity in a timely manner;
• give your child personal time, let him do what he wants;
• alternate periods of active activities with quiet games and rest;
• avoid severe overwork;
• do not prevent your child from independently performing those actions that he can do, for example, taking off his pants after a walk;
• give your child the right to choose; if you absolutely need to go to a clinic, for example, say this in a confident and calm voice;
• Remember that your child may not be able to express his feelings through words. Your task is to help him with this. When you see that the little one is offended or begins to get angry, say out loud the names of his feelings.

Now you know what to do when your child throws a tantrum. Remember that it is unacceptable to hit or yell at your child. Proceed carefully and in accordance with the recommendations outlined in the article. I wish your little one to pass this period as soon as possible.

Hysteria in a child aged 1.5 - 2 years

During this age period, the cause of the excited state is nervous tension and fatigue. The psyche can be called unstable. Closer to the age of two, whims can turn into real manipulation. The child understands exactly how to demand what he wants.

It is important to note: at 2 years old, the baby understands the meaning of the words “you can’t”, “I don’t want”, “no”. He manages to successfully use the learned forms of protest. It is unbridled behavior that should help the child in order to win the adult over to his side. Parents do not understand what to do when the baby hits his head against the wall and screams. Some make concessions just to stop such emotional manifestations. Someone cannot stand it, screams and hits the child in order to wean him from any desire to organize protests.

Children one and two years old

1. When a child is one year old, constant tantrums can occur due to nervous strain or after severe fatigue.
2. As for toddlers aged 2 years, the main reason for them is the way they manipulate or achieve what they want.

How familiar this is to me. My son tried to throw a tantrum more than once in order to get some kind of sweet or toy, sometimes he even tried to fall on the floor and kick his feet.

1. Some parents, seeing hysterical fits in their two-year-old child, cannot stand it and completely comply with all his demands. Others begin to use force and believe that such behavior is unacceptable and should be stopped in early childhood.
2. Of course, physical violence is not the right way to calm a baby. Don’t even try to shout, don’t start persuading or expressing your dissatisfaction - all this will only encourage the child more, and he will begin to demand what he wants with redoubled force.
3. You cannot turn around, leave the baby alone and leave. He will calm down, but he will also be very frightened and decide that you abandoned him.
4. You cannot give in to the baby, follow his lead, unquestioningly fulfilling his demands. This way you will only confirm the child’s opinion about the correctness of this model of behavior.
5. It’s better to hug the baby tightly, hold him in your arms, and say that he is the most beloved, even when he is angry. If the little one continues to struggle, let him go.
6. When hysterics begin in public, parents become very ashamed, and they try to quickly pacify their baby by agreeing to his demands. In this situation, it is better not to think about how strangers will look at you and not to make concessions.
7. If your child throws a tantrum and demands to buy a new toy, tell him in a confident voice about your refusal. After some time, he realizes that the hysteria is not working.

Correct response to a child's tantrums

Most often, an attack begins with a whim: “Give it quickly, buy it, I don’t want it, I won’t, go away...”. If you were unable to quickly resolve this problem, you should not try to calm the child down, scold him, persuade him, or scream. He will be happy to continue the hysteria. You should not leave your child completely alone in the room. It is better to be nearby, without letting the baby out of sight. This will keep him confident that parents will never abandon their child, no matter what happens.

If a child throws a tantrum to achieve what he wants, in no case should you give in to him. The child will develop this form of behavior if his wishes are fulfilled. Be prepared for tantrums to happen again and again. If you resort to physical punishment, the baby's condition will only worsen. He may start to stutter and be afraid of his parent. It is best to ignore his emotional attacks so that the child calms down on his own. The child will discover that such behavior does not bring the desired result. It should not be repeated in the future.

It is important to hug your baby tightly and hold him for a while. You need to repeat to him about your love when the child breaks free, tries to throw himself on the floor and scream loudly. If the child does not calm down, you should let him go. You should not allow your baby to control your parents. If the hysteria does not stop, you can leave the room to deprive the “actor” of the audience. Under no circumstances should you provoke the child, try to make him even more emotional, or shame him.

Situations often occur when a child throws a tantrum in a public place. Adults are inclined to give in to the child, just to avoid falling under the judgmental glances of other people. It is important to understand that the behavior will become ingrained in your son or daughter. He will act up again and again while visiting stores. It is best to warn your child in advance that you can buy one chocolate bar or doll. There is no need to limit your child completely. As a last resort, it is necessary to avoid temptations.

If hysteria does happen, forget about the looks of people around you. You need to wait out the performance, show attention and affection to the child. He must understand that no one will leave him, despite his capriciousness. You should find out what upset the baby. Make it clear that next time the trip to the store will not take place, because “some people don’t know how to behave.” Believe me, children want to imitate adults, and therefore tend to exhibit more reasonable behavior.

Pay attention to me!

Often, a child using hysterics tries to get parental attention. This happens especially often if parents hardly see their child during the whole week, and on the weekend they want to rest and unwind from the hard work of everyday life. This is where the child reminds himself! In this case, try to spend more time with him at least on weekends. And it is not at all necessary to “go out into the world” every time. You can just play, read your favorite book, cuddle on the sofa, or take a walk in the nearby park. Or maybe you’ll want to create a grandiose family collage on a piece of Whatman paper this coming weekend - from magazine pictures, your own photographs - and complement all this beauty, for example, with extraordinary plasticine bas-reliefs.

Correct parent reaction

It is best not to focus on the child’s bad behavior. There is no need to categorically tell the child that he “has no rights.” In the future, the son or daughter will be a weak-willed creature, without any initiative. It is important to show your child that tantrums are not the best way to get your way. It is necessary to distract the child and switch his attention to other things.

You can try bringing your baby his favorite toy or turning on some cartoon. This will help if the hysteria is just beginning. You should wait for some time for the emotions to subside.

If your child has a tantrum at home, you need to tell him the following: “I will talk to you when you are ready.” You need to remain calm and control your emotions. The baby should hear that he is loved very much, but he should not be capricious.

If a tantrum starts in a public place, it is worth depriving the child of spectators. You can pick up the child in your arms and take him to a place where there are few people.

Adults should not give direct instructions to the baby. Three-year-olds will appreciate the illusion of choice: “Will you have semolina or buckwheat porridge for breakfast?”, “Will you go to kindergarten in these clothes or another?”

Most often, tantrums stop by age 4. Children learn to express their emotions and express opinions on certain issues.

Getting rid of hysteria

Many parents wonder how to wean a child from hysterics?

1. Encourage your baby to cry more quietly.
2. Ignore the child, show indifference to his hysterics.
3. When a child categorically does not want to do something, for example, get dressed to go outside, then you can persuade him in a cunning way. Tell him that you need to go out to look at the cats or the leaves of the trees, or watch the passing cars. This has always worked for us.
4. You can talk to the baby. As a rule, this method is effective when communicating with the youngest. Mom gives out a lot of information without stopping, in fact, with her conversations she does not give the opportunity to cry.
5. If you notice that a tantrum is about to begin, try to cheer up the child.
6. You can offer the child to use some object to take his resentment out, for example, let him hit a pillow.
7. The child is about to go hysterical - grab a hairdryer to “dry his tears.”
8. Try to explain to the toddler how to behave, tell him that such an expression of dissatisfaction is wrong.
9. If you leave your baby with a dad or grandma or a nanny, be sure to warn them how to react to the child’s behavior.
10. When trying to calm your little one down, look into his eyes.
11. Try to understand your baby and find out what exactly prompted him to behave this way.

What happens at the age of four?

Tantrums and children's whims are in most cases the result of improper behavior by adults. One should not allow permissiveness towards the baby. At 4 years old, girls and boys are distinguished by observation and intelligence. They make excellent manipulators. This happens if the mother is strict, and the grandmother allows everything. The family should demonstrate unity of educational methods so that the child knows what is “possible” and what is “not allowed.”

Constant hysterics and whims may indicate diseases of the nervous system.

When should you contact a neurologist?

1. frequent hysterics, which are accompanied by aggressiveness;
2. the baby loses consciousness, holds his breath;
3. tantrums continue after 4 years;
4. damage caused by a child during attacks;
5. manifestations of hysteria at night, various nightmares, fears, mood swings;
6. hysteria ends with vomiting, shortness of breath, sudden lethargy, and fatigue.

If the specialist does not find any problems in the baby’s health, it is worth looking for the cause in family relationships. You can contact a psychologist to help resolve the situation. First of all, adults themselves need to change their behavior, since children are prone to imitation. In addition, it is important to be able to prevent the occurrence of hysteria.

How to avoid hysterics in a child?

Parents need to observe the baby to understand what condition can bring about hysteria. Most often, children begin to whine easily, purse their lips, and sniffle. It is best to immediately switch the child’s attention to something interesting.

You can offer your baby a book to read, a bright toy, and quickly bring him to the window. Your child will immediately calm down and experience more positive emotions.

Remember to follow these tips to avoid hysteria:

• complete rest. It is important that the child gets enough sleep;
• prevent fatigue and hunger;
• Treat your child’s leisure time with respect. He has the right to play and enough time to be alone;
• voice the child’s feelings (“You’re angry because you didn’t get the chocolate,” “Are you offended because we didn’t go to the zoo?”). A son or daughter can learn to talk about their feelings and not give in to emotions. Children of any age should understand that rules cannot be broken, nor can they behave badly in public;
• You should not be overprotective of your child; it is important to allow him to show initiative and independence. He can choose what to wear himself, try to fasten buttons and laces;
• Don't ignore the baby's crying. You can always distract him or just hug him and talk about your love.

Me myself!!!

Hysteria can express a protest against excessive care and a desire to be independent. This often happens with an authoritarian parenting style. Remember how you communicate with your baby in the clinic, in the park, at home. You can even record yourself on a voice recorder. If your child mostly hears from you: “You can’t!”, “Don’t go there!”, “Don’t touch!”, “Don’t you dare!”, “Stop it!”, then it’s not surprising that he’s trying to defend the right to independence. It is very important for a child to feel respect from his parents and recognition of his abilities. Try to listen to your child, expand the scope of his activities, give him more freedom, and perhaps the problem of hysterics will gradually disappear from your life.

Meanwhile, we continue to rewind our videotape.