Consultation for parents “What to do if a child does not share toys?” consultation

If your child does not share toys, never do this:

1. Don't say that he is greedy and does bad things. These are his toys, the baby has the right to dispose of them as he wants.
2. Don't take away a toy to give to another child. For children, such an act by their mother is tantamount to betrayal.
3. Don't apologize to the mother of a child who asks your son or daughter for something. This is a normal situation and your baby has the right not to share.
4. Don't let other parents tell you your child is greedy.
5. You should not make your baby feel guilty because another child is crying. In this situation, the owner of the toy is not to blame for anything. But the mother just has to explain to the other baby that there are their own toys and there are strangers that belong to other children.
6. Do not forbid your child to take away a toy that has already been taken from him. Just explain that this needs to be done politely, without using physical force. If it doesn’t work out, then contact the child’s mother so that she can pick up and give the toy back.

If you still want your baby to share the toy, then:

• Tell him that he doesn’t give away his item forever, but only for a while, and that the other child will play a little and give it back right away. Although such persuasion almost never worked on Alina and Yegor.
• Offer the other child to swap for something. Perhaps he has something that will interest your baby. Children love new toys (especially if they are strangers).
• Give your child a choice. Let him decide for himself whether he wants to share or not.
• Tell them that other children may not have something interesting to share. You just need to talk about this without reproach and in a positive way.
• Sometimes I use a forbidden technique and offer Egor or Alina something very tasty in return (or something that they have been asking for a long time). It works flawlessly. But! Objectively, this is a bad way. He doesn't teach sharing because they are brother and sister. This is a kind of bribery that devalues ​​the feeling of friendship.
• Egor sometimes shares if you ask him politely. For example, “Egor, please give me the car.” But if Alina yells at him and tries to take it away, then naturally he won’t give anything back.
• When there is only one toy, but two people want to play, we try to establish a turn. At the same time, I control this process until the end of the game, since it is difficult for children to navigate in time.
• Very often I tell my kids the same age that they are brother and sister, that they love each other and that it is very important to be able to share (toys, candy, etc.). Of course, this is not a quick-acting method. But by the age of two, Egor, having taken candy for himself, asks for candy for Alina. Which makes me very happy.

But if no amount of persuasion helps, don’t be discouraged. These are just features of age. When your child makes friends, he will be happy to play with them, share and exchange toys.

Training without aggression

Remember, from Mayakovsky: “The little son came to his father, and the little one asked: “What is good and what is bad?”

To explain means to make clear. The little son came to his father, and not to a psychologist or teacher. It is important to explain the rules that are important for a child’s life even before the child’s first socialization: “These are your toys,” “This is grandma’s cup,” “These are older brother’s textbooks, and you have your books,” “The toys in the store are not ours, while we are theirs.” didn’t buy”, etc. This is the process of building boundaries: it greatly facilitates communication, significantly reduces adaptation frustration for both children and adults. If I know the rules, I do the right thing, I am confident and calm.

I am always very sorry when adults start scolding a child: “Greedy, you have to share!” Aggression causes aggression. At first, it is important to calmly explain “right and wrong” and not to put labels on the child, often the only one in the family who did not have to share with someone who was used to having all the toys for his beloved.

I still remember the sweet, upset mother of a 4-year-old baby. With tears in her eyes, she said that it was a shame to invite friends with their children to visit: her son literally lays his chest on a box of toys and does not allow the little guests to even get close to them. Yells and stomps his feet. And yet, when they went to visit their godson, he gave a gift, and then took it away with a roar: “Mine!” I was so embarrassed in front of my friends.

• And this is a fixable problem. If you go to visit someone who has a preschooler, bring a gift for your child as well. For children, the material cost of the gift is not important.

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How can you help your child become a friendly owner, and not a “greedy beef”. Very simple. Leave your child's toys alone. Take on the role of director. Unite little guests and your child with a common game. I really like the games recommended by the famous psychologist Klaus Vopel. They are simple and joyful. Suitable for both children and adults. You can also organize a “hunt” for soap bubbles. Play hide and seek, round dance games, “Geese and Swans”, “Podolyanochka”.

Set rules and be consistent

During an individual consultation in my office, this “terrible greedy” plays wonderfully alone, with me, with me and my mother. But! Attention! After my words that our meeting is ending, now we will collect the toys, and then you and your mother will go about your business, and I will work with other children, he decisively nods his head in agreement and collects the toys together with me and my mother. But... The toys you like the most go into your backpack. Mom doesn't react. I have to do “mom’s work” and explain that my toys live here, in the psychologist’s office, this is their house. And toys in the office - for all the children who come to visit me. Such rules. Sasha is sincerely surprised, then indignant. Out of habit, he tries to get his way in his favorite way: screaming and roaring. After all, houses react to this so quickly. I catch my mother’s condemning and at the same time guilty glance, but I continue to calmly repeat my own: “These are the rules. These toys live in MY office." A typical situation, tears usually dry quickly. Especially if mom doesn’t get irritated and start fussing.

• Rules make communication very easy. I advise very impatient mothers to remember that there are, for example, rules of pedestrian behavior and, whether you are tired or not, you are obliged to teach your child how to behave on the street. It’s exactly the same with the rules of behavior in a team. We just explain until he remembers.

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Why is the child greedy?

After 2 years, the child begins to recognize himself as an individual, to separate his own “I” and the “rest of the world.” At the same time, the baby’s favorite toy is often perceived as a part of himself. By defending his property, he protects the boundaries of his “I”. And that's okay. A child needs to go through this stage of selfishness in order to learn generosity. It is impossible to comprehend the concept of “alien” without the concept of “mine”.

In some situations, a baby may refuse to share because he does not like the child (or adult) to whom he must give in. Parents often feel that a 3-year-old child doesn’t care who he plays with (the neighbor in the sandbox doesn’t fight, and that’s good). But this little man already has his own likes and dislikes, often different from the favors of his parents. And these feelings must also be respected.

What to do if a child does not share toys with siblings or playground friends? How to teach your child to be generous? To answer this question, let's first look at what parents shouldn't do.

Why doesn't the child share toys?

There are several answers, take a closer look, perhaps one of them is suitable. Talk to your child depending on the situation:

• The stage of formation and awareness of the concept “mine” goes through - at about three years.
• The person to whom you need to give your thing is not likable (you must agree that an adult will also be selective when borrowing his thing).
• He probably thinks that the toy will be taken away forever (tell the child that they will only take it out to play for a short time).

So, the TEDDIE club recommends respecting the child’s opinion, looking for the reason for his behavior, why the child does not share toys, and also calmly explaining how to behave. Remember that you are an authority for the child, so using physical force or taking away anything against his will is unacceptable.

If the child is too generous

Case from practice. Overcoming her own shyness, Varya’s mother says: “She has always been like this. In the sandbox, other children took her toys, but she didn’t even complain. And in kindergarten it’s the same: she takes her favorite doll from home, but another girl plays with it.”

My questions to my mother: “How do you protect your child if you see other children taking away her toys? And do you think it’s true that “good girls” are those who want to please everyone and therefore give everything away?” Mom thought about it.

• Our next meeting took place when Varya’s mother read the book “Once upon a time there was a girl like you” and learned to tell her daughter the “correct” stories.

I wish you calm and wise conversations with your children about “what is good and what is bad”

A newborn is often referred to as a blank sheet of paper. Yes, he already has character and temperament, but we, the parents, invest most of it in him.

The baby imitates us a lot. He copies rules, habits, behavior patterns from us, parents.

Your baby is growing up, more and more often you hear the phrase “I myself” from him, he begins to feel like a separate person, with his own desires and boundaries. He increasingly has favorite toys that are very special to him. The child experiences a strong attachment to them.

Many children perceive their favorite toy not as an object, but as a part of themselves. Not always kids are ready to part with their teddy bear or car so that another child can share the fun and play. Parents often think that this is wrong or a mistake in their upbringing.

How to wean a child from being greedy in this case?

But is this greed?

Should a child share?

The greed that parents talk about is the norm for a child. This is one of the stages of development and maturation. Let's imagine the situation. You are sitting on a bench in the park, and a complete stranger approaches you. Suddenly he comes up with an idea - to ask you to give up your phone. It's just because he really liked it. Right now he wants to use it for some of his own purposes. But he doesn't tell you why and for what, and whether he plans to return it.

It's safe to assume that you won't like this idea. What would be your reaction? What would you do? Would you give it because sharing is necessary and accepted?

Most likely you wouldn't do that. You would think this idea is stupid and pointless. Why should you share with a stranger something that belongs to you, that you need and is important? Is it true?

The child feels the same. Only instead of a phone there is a favorite car, a doll or a bucket. Children should share toys, not because it is their responsibility or a parent's order, but because they have a desire. They want to bring joy to another baby and share play and fun with him.

The best thing parents can do to teach their child to share is to demonstrate positive action that only evokes warm emotions. Help children understand this by example. Show that this is the norm. This is usual, normal, and most importantly pleasant.

Here are some simple ways you can teach your child to share:

1. Choose and buy gifts together . A good idea would be to make something with your own hands, and then give it as a gift for some holiday or just because. The child takes an active part during this and invests his positive emotions. It is important for the child to receive feedback, to see gratitude and joy on the face of the person to whom the gift was addressed.
2. Invite your child to sort out the toys and choose those that he would like to give , for example, to children from an orphanage or to children from a low-income family. Talk to him about why he decided to choose this particular item. And explain why such children are very happy to receive such a gift from him.
3. Play role-playing games with your child . For example, a bear has a tea party, and a child comes with a gift. Or simulate a situation where your child and all his toys are playing on the playground, exchanging toys with each other. Let the baby play both roles. So that the child can feel the emotions when he shares toys or is shared with him.
4. Support his desire to share with you, brothers, sisters or other kids.

What should parents do if a misunderstanding is still brewing between the kids or a clash has already occurred:

• Try to switch the attention of the baby who is asking for a toy if you see that your child is not ready to share.
• Offer to play with another toy that your baby is not interested in right now.
• Try to organize a joint game for them (to entice them into joint actions, to help each other, for example, to build a sand castle).
• Remove the subject of contention from children's visibility.

Be sure to talk to your child about the situation. You can also do this in a playful way. For example, come up with a fairy tale where the characters play together and share toys with each other, describe how much fun they had, how entertaining and exciting it was. This way you teach your child to share.

A few more ways to stop your child from being greedy:

• Remind your child that you shared with him too.
• Offer to share your child's toy and the other child to share his.
• Talk to your child about how long another child can play with his toy.
• At the playground, explain that other kids also want to ride on the slide and swings, so you need to share this space with them. Teach your child patience and respect. There are common items that need to be used in turn.

What you should absolutely not do and what can lead to serious psychological trauma:

1. Do not yell at your child under any circumstances.
2. Do not use physical force. You are an authority and role model for your child.
3. Don't judge him for not wanting to share, respect his decision.
4. Do not take away a toy from your baby.
5. Don't force him to share no matter what. Try to understand his condition at that moment. The problem may not be about the toy at all, but for example the child does not like the person who asks for the toy.
6. Don't let other moms judge your baby's reluctance to share his toys. Be on his side!

Give your baby the opportunity to go through this stage. Understand what “mine” and “someone else’s” means. To learn to give away his things, he must understand that there are those that do not belong to him. This is not a simple period of separation for a child. The baby feels new in the surrounding space. He experiences a huge range of emotions, new sensations, unfamiliar feelings. All this can affect the baby’s most basic needs. Help him find and maintain stability. Maintain a comfortable rhythm of sleep and wakefulness. Learn more about the rhythms of sleep and wakefulness in the “Sleep PASSPORT” course.

Author: Tatyana Kremneva.

How to help a child resolve a conflict?

To wean your child from being greedy, try to involve him in joint games with other children, create situations where children communicate with each other for as long as possible. Let your child visit other children more often and, on the contrary, invite them to his place. If the child behaved well and was not greedy, do not forget to praise him for it. Focus on his generosity and kindness. At home, try to tell your child stories as often as possible about how bad it is to be greedy and how good it is to share with everyone.

If your child has already had a conflict with other children, do not shout. You won't solve the problem here by shouting. You need to calmly discuss the situation; at this moment, more than ever, you need to show patience and wisdom. You need to teach a child to share not because it is necessary, but because a person should like to bring joy to other people. A child should be able to rejoice with other children. Of course, you can teach a child to give everything and share with everyone because he should, but in this case he will feel dissatisfaction, a contradiction between his emotions and his actions.

Miseducation

Greed is not an innate quality or a natural quality. It occurs, as a rule, due to improper upbringing of a child or improper behavior with him. Often, the first manifestations of greed in a child appear at a very early age - at 2-3 years. For children at that age, giving someone their toy on the playground is like giving away a part of themselves. All this is due to the characteristics of the psyche. Children are inherently very self-centered until they are 6-7 years old. All the persuasion of elders does not work. The baby thinks that the other child must be loved more than him. At an early age, the child has not yet learned to act in conflict situations. The main task of parents is to teach their child to do the right thing.